It seems to me that more and more of my friends in serious relationships are moving in together. Maybe it’s because the price of rent in DC is unfuckingbelievable…but moreso I think it is becoming a mainstream trend. Is it a good trend though?

An article in Psychology Today points to the perils of living together before marriage (with no intention of heading that way). While many people choose to live together out of convienence (i.e. lease running out, cheaper to share rent), many people also choose to live together as a kind of trial run for the relationship. In theory, this is a good idea, but many times it leads to unhappiness and less satisfaction with the relationship than would normally occur without living together.

“In the United States, 90 percent of young people are still expected to tie the knot at some point. Since most Americans are destined for marriage — and a majority will live together beforehand — how can we protect against the potentially undermining effects of cohabitation? Follow the lead of one subgroup of cohabiters: Those who make a permanent commitment to each other first. One study that tracked 136 couples through the initial months of marriage found that early intentions seem to make a big difference. About 60 of the couples in the study lived together before getting engaged, while the rest waited either until after they were engaged or after they were married to set up housekeeping. Ten months after the wedding, the group that had cohabited before being engaged had more negative interactions, less confidence about the relationship and weaker feelings of commitment than the other two groups. But the marriages of couples who had moved in together after getting engaged seemed just as strong as those who had moved in together after marrying.”

The results of this study are interesting. Living together, while seeming to be a huge committment, can in a way be a not so great solution to testing the waters before marriage. Cohabitation can make or break a couple. Many people move in thinking that since you are together so much anyway, you might as well – but many underestimate the little things that add up…like who will carry the responsibility of cooking and cleaning when both return home tired after a long day of work, or the issue of sharing or splitting bank accounts and financial assets.

Just like with any roommate situation, living with someone is going to open up a whole new world of that person to you. When you are in love, sometimes it’s hard to see the faults in a person, so living with them can be a rude awakening. Hopefully, you will have been with the person long enough that you are aware of their faults (and your own) and get along despite that. But sometimes people rush into things without thinking, with visions of cooking dinner together and lazy weekends spent snuggling in bed.

Another issue that comes up is comfort and habit. You may have one way of doing things, your partner or roommate may have another – so how do you decide what to do? You can do your way, their way, or a new/shared way.

The most important part of any of these situations is communication. It’s important to clearly communicate your expectations of living together with your partner. If one of you moves in with the expectation that engagement and marriage are the next logical step, but the other person sees it as a break in rent and a convienent move – then you may have a problem.

Personally, I don’t know if I would live with someone in a romantic way. It’s nice to come home to your own space and your own things (even with a roommate). Even if you are spending five out of seven nights of the week with your boyfriend or girlfriend…I think it’s good to have your own place to retreat to. But, you never know what situation will come up. I’ve heard good things and bad from people who live with their significant others; but I think that if you live together before marriage (if that is where it is inevitably heading)…then what do you have to look forward to after you’re married? (Don’t take that too literally, I know there is much to look forward to.)

I think that through all of the different reasons for moving in together (or not), the most important thing to remember is to always be looking forward – and if you’re lucky, you’re looking in the same direction.

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