So, I am not the most athletic one. I try, and it always looks so good in my head, but usually I end up making an ass of myself. It’s quite tragic. So embarrassing in fact, that I felt people might be entertained by it. Go ahead, have a good laugh at my expense.

Kickball. I played kickball one semester for my sorority. It was very unfortunate. Somehow I ended up being placed at catcher and there I was, running around behind the base trying to get the ball (that I obviously didn’t catch) while tons of frat guys watched me from the stands. It was not my most shining moment, but at least I looked cute and had a ribbon in my ponytail. This is the only issue perhaps barring me from joining a WAKA team in the spring. I really only want to do it to meet new people, drink, and oh yeah – get a t-shirt. I mean, isn’t that why everyone does it?

Flag Football. Again, another sorority mishap. I warmed up with the team, and as we were throwing the football back and forth, I caught it. YES! Only…I caught it smack in the boobs. Ow. I tried to hide on the sidelines so I wouldn’t have to go in. Luckily the game was pretty painless for me since I only had to become a spectator.

Baseball. When I was in first grade I played baseball. It was when teams were still co-ed. Well, I always did well when we warmed up. However, whenever I got up to bat during a game, I was too scared to hit so I made sure I missed. Why? Because I was afraid that I would run in the wrong direction when I hit the ball. I feel bad now for all the parents who have to sit and watch baseball (or soccer, or football) when the kids are too young to really do much but run up and down the field. Then again, I guess it’s better than those parents who end up getting in violent fights at their children’s games.

Gymnastics. I wish I had stuck with this sport. I was a cheerleader a couple years in high school, but we weren’t very good. I took gymnastics when I was about five years old, and I did really well until we got to the balance beam. Somehow I got freaked out about it and was afraid I was going to fall off (the high beam, not the low one – come on, give me a little more credit). I begged my parents to quit and cried and they finally let me (I WAS only five). Too bad they decided to force me to stick with violin in the fourth grade. It probably would have been much less painful for all and much more beneficial for me to have stuck with gymnastics. Oh well.

Skiing. I actually wasn’t bad at this. I used to live in Utah/Colorado so I grew up skiing. I used to go zipping down the hill so fast my poor parents couldn’t keep up with me. And I had a cute red skisuit. However, I haven’t been skiing in years. I’m afraid I couldn’t do it now. And, I would much rather partake in the lodge spa than the slopes.

Swimming. I was a good swimmer from about 4th-6th grade. Until my “Aunt Flo” came to visit and I was too chicken to use the proper tools that would enable me to swim during those times of the month. Ah, youth.

Dance. About the only sport I am good at is dance. I can shake my ass like Britney (though I don’t look nearly as hot) and pick up choreography fairly quickly (if I am feeling confident enough). I took ballet, tap, jazz, and modern when I was younger and even through middle school. I danced in college for sorority competitions (which we won!) which were actually pretty hardcore. I like dancing, it’s my favorite way to exercise. Other than…

Sex. I think the only sport I would perhaps excel in would be sex. I could even win MVP (haha). I mean hey, you can burn up to like 600 calories in a rowdy romp session. Hell yeah, that’s the way to do it. Sex isn’t a sport? Maybe we could rethink that. Case in point, conversation with a guy friend of mine:

Him: “They should have little league sex. Can you imagine? You could have breaks and get those little drinks and snacks during them. You could get called out for having too many players on the field. There would be discussions on whether or not it (the pass/throw) was long enough. I would never get called out for that though.”

All in all, I admire athleticism – because obviously I don’t have it.

Popularity: 21% [?]

For a friend, in a peculiar situation…

Have a friend with a boy, it’s been a few weeks off and on. We don’t know if they are “dating”…but – he tells her last night that he is going to visit his ex girlfriend at school this weekend – for the entire weekend.

So, I’m like – maybe he’s not as into you as we think? However, he bought her a dozen roses for her birthday – and there is usually a daily phone call. They hang out in a group, and some alone. However, they have only hung out “sober” like twice (she thinks he drinks too much – I think he is just a recovering frat boy).

There has been no “relationship” talk though, and she doesn’t really want to have one. She likes him, he likes her – it’s all good. Except for this.

However, he broke up with the exgf in say – mid-July…and he said the reason it’s been hard is because her mom has like cancer and is starting chemo. Which, OK, fine – it’s OK to still be supportive to someone like that (and I think they dated a long time) and to still care about a person….but we were like – what do we make of him visiting her? He also told her (my friend) that he had dinner with the ex last week before she left for school, which was fine with my friend. It’s not so much him “asking” permission (which would be dumb anyway at this point), but more “informing” my friend of his meetings with the exgf.

So given all of this, why would he tell my friend he is going to visit the exgf? I mean, technically he could lie about it and she wouldn’t know – why is he telling her? It’s obvious he’s going to get ass. I would say maybe he just doesn’t want anything serious right now, but he does like my friend. If so, then what happens now? Should they have “the talk” or not?

We are at a loss.

Popularity: 50% [?]

Well, not really cool and popular (don’t worry, it’s an inside joke), but I had a nice weekend. Nothing too exciting, but good times were had by all.

On Thursday it was roomie A’s birthday, and we headed up into Adams Morgan to celebrate. Her brother is on a kickball team so we met up with him to play some flip cup and beer pong. Also in attendance was K (the boy that A is kind of dating) and J (a coworker of A). We started at Adams Mill then migrated over to the rooftop at Reef. And, of course against better judgement, we ended the night with a jumbo slice. It was interesting though, I met these two guys at Reef, they were in the Air Force reserves and just in the area for some training. So one of them just started talking to me…about his girlfriend and how he wanted to break up with her. OK, that’s fine – I gave him some advice. Then later, he tried to hold my hand when we went to get a drink!!! WTF?!? Is that an acceptable pick up line now – does that give you an IN? Hey, help me with my girl troubles…oh, but let me try to hit on you now. Um, false. Try again. By then my friends had left me and luckily I had an excuse to go off in search of them.

On Friday night my good friend and ex coworker AP came over, and we cooked dinner together. Me and the “A-Team” as I call my two girls. After a yummy dinner we watched some girly movies and just hung out til about 3 am. We all needed a chill night for once. On Saturday we woke up and I made chocolate chip pancakes from scratch, which were really good! Then we went on a trip to Target and I took AP back home to Dupont. I chilled Saturday night too, but got a few drunk dials to entertain me.

Sunday I went to a BBQ at K’s house with roomie A, and we hung out and played beer pong for awhile with a couple of his friends. Apparently, I am an embarrassment. Haha. We then came home and watched the VMA’s – which I can’t believe I wasted 3 hours of my life doing. My favorite performances were from Kanye West & Jaime Fox and Kelly Clarkson who ended the show. Also appreciated were the Beavis & Butthead cameos. On the bad side…Shakira just frightens me. And, did anyone catch Eva Longoria’s clothes (or lack therof)? Crazy. Also crazy was DIDDY’s wardrobe choices – his shirt went from saying “New Negro” to “God is the Greatest”…riiiiight. As he said, “anything can happen!” And loser of the show goes to R. Kelly – who although he premiered a new chapter to his Closet series…he also chose to act out each part himself, while lip syncing. Oh, a whole new low was obtained.

Anyway…not a huge drunken weekend, but good times with good people. Next weekend (Labor Day) I am heading up to Syracuse to visit my best friend and hit up the first football game of the season. My friend is close with members of the football and basketball teams, so I’m sure I will get to play with some of SU’s Finest. I’m looking forward to it, we always have a good time. On Thursday I will again be a kickball groupie, so that should be interesting. I think I may join a team in the spring…even though I am not the most athletic person ever. Apparently you don’t need to be athletic to play kickball (haha). Any comments or suggestions for that?

Well, I won’t be able to go out again in DC until mid-September, so watch out for me then! I can’t believe summer is over already…

Popularity: 15% [?]

LONDON (AFP) – London Zoo unveiled a new exhibition — eight humans prowling around wearing little more than fig leaves to cover their modesty.

The “Human Zoo” is intended to show the basic nature of human beings as they frolick throughout the August bank holiday weekend.

Brendan Carr, 25, from Aylesbury, southern England, wrote a poem in his bid to get on the mountain.

“I’m funky like a monkey and as cool as a cat, talk more than a parrot, up all night like a bat,” it went.

“I got a laugh like a hyena but get the hump like a camel, so cover me in fig leaves as I’m the ultimate mammal.”

Popularity: 6% [?]

The Boy,

Since I know you are so worldy and fabulous (kiss, kiss!), I would like to request a posting by you. Perhaps you already did one and I missed it.

BUT – I think I would enjoy seeing the “DC NATIVE DEFINITIVE GUIDE TO THE GAYBORHOOD: THE NON-GAYOT EDITION.”

Included I would like listings of all the “best” gay bars/clubs in the area – and why one should attend. Also include which nights are hot and which are not. This will help me in hosting my out of town friends who would like a little man candy…without having to constantly ask my male comrades for advice on places to go. I will have a handy dandy pocket guide! Also – the girls of the family can add sentences about “what it feels like for a girl” (to quote Madonna) at those various establishments that are lucky to get rated.

Sincerely yours,
Asian Mistress

P.S. Chip & Dale may feel free to also accept this mission.

Popularity: 6% [?]