I need to lose weight.

I went to the gym today with my roommate. I did about 30 minutes of the elliptical and bike, then stretched. I was surprised I can still (almost) do splits. What can I say, I’m naturally stretchy. :)

But anyway, that’s the first time in months I’ve been. I need to go more often. I think my roommate might motivate me. She is having some issues with her joints, which limits her ability. Her handicap is my help, since that puts us at basically the same skill level. Actually, she is one of the few people I appreciate in my struggle. Although she is a slender size 2, and probably always will be, she supports me and never makes me feel bad about what I look like. She’s not one of the people who says “oh, losing weight is easy!” or tells me what I should do and gives me unwanted advice. My best friend helps me as well because she too struggles with it (don’t think I forgot about you life partner!). My parents try to help because they know I struggle with it. My dad even offered to buy me a new computer if I lost 20 pounds. Seems fucked up I know, but he was just trying to help me.

I’ve been struggling for some time with this issue. Why can’t I just DO IT? Why is it so hard for me? I know exactly what I need to do.

I hate it when people give me advice. (So, please don’t leave comments on what to do.) I know what I need, I just don’t do it. It’s a VERY touchy subject for me. When people start giving me advice on what to do, I generally tune them out. Yes I know, cut carbs, increase protein, eat many small meals, drink lots of water, exercise at least 30 minutes 3 times a week, eat breakfast, watch your sugar intake, increase fruits and vegetables.

I think it’s such a touchy subject for me, because for years, my ex-boyfriend told me I was fat. The funny thing is, when I was with him, I wasn’t really fat. He just wanted me to be thinner. So, I have sort of become a self fulfilling prophecy. Through crash dieting, yo-yo dieting, and general self esteem issues stemming from my relationship with him…I did become fat. Of course, I can’t completely blame it on him, but I can certainly blame some of my complexes on him. I remember one time, towards the end, he told me that he didn’t like having sex with me anymore because my body disgusted him and he didn’t like running his hands over it anymore. I cried, yet I still continued to sleep with him. Stupid, huh?

I guess the start of me seriously thinking about all of this again, was that a good friend of mine told me recently, “you’re hot now, think of how hot you’ll be at a size 4.”

I almost cried.

There’s just something holding me back.

I think it’s a couple of issues.

1. I think most of all, it’s a defense mechanism. I guess now I can say, “well, guys don’t like me because I’m fat.” But in reality, maybe I worry what if they don’t like me even when I’m skinny? I used to get hit on a lot more when I went out. Not that I don’t now, but it’s definitely not as much. This way I have a reason in my head why that guy doesn’t like me, and it’s an external problem not an internal flaw.

2. I’m afraid what if I start, and I don’t lose weight? I know of course that’s stupid, since when I do cut my diet and do even a little bit of exercise, I generally lose. I guess I’m worried that I will fail, so I don’t even want to try. It’s an overwhelming task. I would like to lose over 30 pounds. That’s a hell of a lot.

3. I think it frustrates me that I can’t do it. It being, exercise for a long period of time. I can at most do about 15 minutes and/or 1-2 miles. My calf muscles burn and my knees hurt. I should probably stretch beforehand to help that. My body just isn’t used to being active, since I never was when I was younger due to bad asthma. I didn’t grow up playing soccer and such. The most I ever did was dance.

There is no excuse for me not to do this. I’m at a good point in my life, it can do nothing but enhance what I have and make me happier. If I think about it, I can be skinny next year at this time. I can wear the clothes I want to wear. I won’t have to cut my stomach out of pictures. I can walk into a room with my head held high. I can look at the boys who I have liked and who didn’t like me and say “eat your heart out.” I can not worry about what people think of me. I can stop comparing myself to every girl I see.

I can finally, be comfortable in my own skin.

I just don’t know if I can finally, after years of bitching, make myself just do it.

I know I’m a good person, and I’m fabulous just the way I am. I just know that I could be happier if I was smaller.

Some pictures of what I would like to get back to.
No size 2, but definitely better than what I am now.



Me junior year of college


Some pictures of me now


Nobody can push me to do this, it’s just something I need to be able to do on my own, for myself.

Hopefully this time, I’m moving closer to my goal, and I will finally get it together.

As with my other change…only time will tell.

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