Feminine Fury vs. Feminine Wiles

Nov 2, 2005 Author: Larissa | Filed under: 2005 Favorites, Relationships

I know that BettyJoan already covered this, but I wanted to say something too.

This article in the NYT hit home for me.I mentioned before in my 100 things about me post, that I used to consider myself a feminist, but now I’m not so sure.

It’s true.

When I was in about middle school, I read Reviving Ophelia. I researched Betty Friedan. I scorned models in Playboy. I watched Three’s Company and cringed at the sexist nature of the show. I told myself that I would never ever be one of those women who relied on men. My mother taught me that women could do anything, and that I didn’t need a man to be complete. She also told me to be strong, and not to chase the boys. (The only advice I took from that was not to chase the boys.) I was angry. I was angry that women were looked down upon, that it was only a few decades before that we had the right to vote, the right to work, the right to do almost anything. I was angry that on average, women earned 75 cents to the dollar that men earned. I was angry that glass ceilings existed. And now? I am still angry. I’m angry that I don’t know what I want to do with my life. That I have all of these options and not a clue as to what I can do with them. That I don’t really know how lucky I am to have the choice. I’m angry that I care I don’t look like Jessica Simpson or Eva Longoria. I’m angry that I want to be seen as the sex symbol. That I want to be seen as the doting wife and mother. And yet, I want to be seen as equal. I’m angry that I’m in my early 20’s and I’m scared that I’ll never get married. I know tons of beautiful, successful young women in their 30’s who are amazing…so I know I’ll be OK seeing them as a role model…but I still worry.The dating industry is booming. Everywhere you look it’s how to get a man, how to keep a man, how to attract a man, and how to get over a man when he dumps you. Well, no wonder he dumps you…all you worry about is what to do to catch him or keep him! Match.com and other internet dating services are gaining speed, and Cosmo continues to be the highest selling women’s magazine. Has everything really gone full circle? Are the articles aimed at young women today similar to those aimed at the young women in the 1950’s - only more cleverly crafted and worded? I too have pondered what is stated at the end of the NYT article (see quote below), and wonder is it true that women are destined to a cycle of rebellion and regression? That thirty years from now the same generation of girls who were striving to attain the “ideal life” and the “perfect man” are now regretting it…

Having boomeranged once, will women do it again in a couple of decades? If we flash forward to 2030, will we see all those young women who thought trying to Have It All was a pointless slog, now middle-aged and stranded in suburbia, popping Ativan, struggling with rebellious teenagers, deserted by husbands for younger babes, unable to get back into a work force they never tried to be part of?

The women I know are stuck. Stuck between wanting a life on Wisteria Lane, and stuck between wanting to be the next CEO. Even on Desperate Housewives, the character of Lynette is constantly struggling as the mom who goes back to work. It’s a delicate balance of power, and a game that we have to play whether we want to or not. There are some women who don’t have the luxury of choosing to stay home or to work - and those women are chastised for not being home enough with their children, because they are putting food on the table - working three jobs! There are some women who get married, have children, and stop working - who are chastised for being “lazy” or for not being ambitious enough. For not having goals. Then there are the women who are “married” to their jobs - who are chastised for wanting too much, for reaching above and beyond, and more likely than not - ending up alone because of it. How can we find a happy medium for all of these women? Is it even possible?Me, I know I would get bored out of my mind staying at home and raising a family. As much as I love children, and as much as I want to do it - I know that’s not enough for me. I need adult conversation, I need somewhere to be, and something to do. I know taking care of a child is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job, with not a lot of thanks and never a moment off. I’m certainly not discounting the hard work and heart it takes to raise childen. I just know that for me, I’m going to want it all. And I deserve it all. I just don’t know how to make it work.

If you think about it, it’s a pretty fucked up society we live in where a girl such as myself…who is educated, intelligent, and a good person can be made to feel like she’s missing something without a man. Do you think men ever feel that way? Well gee, I’m smart, successful, tall and handsome, but I just don’t think I’m a real man without a wife. So he gets one. A trophy wife. (Joke here guys!)

I can’t say that I don’t crave the happy ending…the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids with a dog. I just wonder at what point did my desires change from wanting to be an “obstetrician by day and a rock star by night,” to the seemingly suffocating life of a “desperate” housewife.

No Response for "Feminine Fury vs. Feminine Wiles"

Sara November 2nd, 2005 at 9:28 am 1

Wow. That article’s a great read… So is your post!
Johnny November 2nd, 2005 at 10:20 am 2

join the masculine party!

we dont get a choice. work hard til you die, and get tiny moments of mascumanity from strip bars, beer and sports. meanwhiles, the womins will be allegedly chasing you when theyre not busy sueing your for impeding their progress towards equality!
Smash November 2nd, 2005 at 10:53 am 3

I think about this stuff almost every day, AM. It’s hard not to.
Rhinestone Cowgirl November 2nd, 2005 at 11:06 am 4

Here’s a link to the Wash Post article I mentioned to you this morning, AM: http://tinyurl.com/8k6a5

Apparently it’s excerpted from a longer book, and the author goes into greater detail about the way she uses her sexuality with her husband.

I really liked your post - food for thought.
DC Cookie November 2nd, 2005 at 1:08 pm 5

We feel the way we allow ourselves to feel. I know I’ll be happy either way and will offer no excuses for why I’m not something else. Look at Madonna. She’s changed her mind about what she wants 15 thousand times, and makes whatever she wants happen. Great, kinky sex whenver I want? Check. Kids without marriage? Check. Kids with marriage? Check. Stay-at-home Mom? Check. Working Mom? Check. Say what you want about her, we could all learn a thing or two about confidence and satisfying desires from her.
Washington Cube November 2nd, 2005 at 1:09 pm 6

Good post. Johnny makes an accurate point in reminding us that men have worries too…the chief one I hear back from men is the responsibility as “breadwinner,” “head of household,” etc. on them once they are in a relationship
Jason Bradfield November 2nd, 2005 at 1:33 pm 7

That’s a good point about the concerns men have about being the “breadwinner” I think both sexes are worried about living up to expectations that were socially conditioned in people by the circumstances of the Industrial Era.

Despite the implied pessimism in Dowd’s article, I think things are changing and there are planty of men and women who want a relative degree of equality. Basically, a lot of men want to spend less time at work and more time with their families and I think people are realizing that.
Mass November 2nd, 2005 at 2:48 pm 8

Asian mistress, you still sound like a feminist. The bullshit is that women are the only one’s to whom the “want it all” paradigm is applied — no one asks about a man’s family v. his career, but it’s at the forefront for women.

Having kids doesn’t set a man’s career back, but it does a woman’s. That, also, is the bullshit.

For my part, I’d love to spend all day with my kids and not go out and work (noting that it would be a choice, not compulsory, and being clear that I see raising kids as hard work), but outside of the leisure class, our society doesn’t exactly permit single-worker households anymore. Feminism carried the day as far as breaking down workplace access goes, but societal mores still enforce a double-standard.
The Captain November 2nd, 2005 at 4:50 pm 9

This was a great post AM. I’ve never seen Desperate Housewives, but isn’t your comparison about Wisteria Lane a choice between having a successful career, or attempting to kill your husband while you have sex with the pool boy?

As a man, if that’s the choice women are facing, I would encourage more of you to go after successful careers. I don’t want any wife I have looking to kill me or having children that aren’t mine.

All kidding aside, great read.
Scottish Lass in DC November 2nd, 2005 at 4:51 pm 10

I loved that NYT article, it really hit home for me.

DC Cookie: one time I was asked which woman I most admire. I said Madonna, most people attacked me for that answer, but I really admire her for her willingness to take a risk and to change. Change scares most people. I personally love it…And hell her new album should be great
Chase-ing Complacency November 2nd, 2005 at 5:55 pm 11

Bravo, AM!! Your post was very well-written and relatable.
I think as women we forget the struggle men have with the whole “breadwinner” role. Men are suppose to be reliable, decisive and responsible. They are suppose to take care of the family. Well, that’s a lot of pressure for men.

It’s ashame that we are taught hat women should be a certain way and men should be a certain way by our parents, society, the media, and tradition.

You should be glad that you have the choice, AM. Not to downplay your feelings, but I am sure women from generations ago would love to carry your burden.

This may be an unpopular opinion, but I think the reason why men and women work so hard and want to make lots of money is because we are a materialistic society. We value money over family. Yeah, parents say “we are trying to provide our kids with a better lifestyle or privledges”. But I think that kids just really want to have their parents around more.

I’m getting off subject.
Listen, very thought-provoking post.
AsianMistress November 2nd, 2005 at 9:22 pm 12

Thanks guys.

And you are all right, I did consider what standards men had to live up to, and how it’s not easy for either. If you read the NYT article you will also see it points to the issue of paying on a first date and the mixed signals there.

I guess it’s not easy no matter what, I was just writing from a female perspective.
mysterygirl! November 2nd, 2005 at 9:59 pm 13

I’m a little late to the party, but great post, and thoughtful comments, too. I too am often torn between what I want and what I think I should want… add to that the fact that we’re sort of conditioned to want certain things, and it leaves me not knowing what I actually want or what I should do. Ugh. I guess all of us, men and women, can only do our best and let the chips fall… not a very satisfying solution, though…
Stef November 2nd, 2005 at 10:52 pm 14

Fantastic post! I’ve been thinking about writing something myself about that NYT/Dowd article, but you pretty much said it all.

I think about this stuff a lot. I’m 30, pretty darn successful in my career, very active socially, and I have lots of friends. But I’m heart-breakingly single, and at times it really bothers me. “A woman needs a man like a fish needs a bicycle.” Well, sometimes you want to ride that bike, you know? Wow, now that I think about it, that’s not a good analogy either way! But seriously, I do get really angry that these social constructs make me feel like I’m incomplete, and thus unsuccessful (dare I say failure?) because I’m a woman without a man. I know, I make my own happiness, and most days that’s enough. But sometimes…..

And re: Madonna…. she will always be the queen.
Onyah November 3rd, 2005 at 4:10 pm 15

What kills me nowadays is how moms have to hold themselves to such ridiculously high standards of perfect momhood. Their houses, their SUV’s, their kids’ clothes, their closet storage solutions all have to be SO PERFECT. Which is so expensive. So moms kinda have to work to maintain the standard of living that is expected. I expect (hell, I propose) that the next round of mom-rebellion be closely tied to a rebellion against a consumerist culture that preys on young families. Ahem.
The Single One November 4th, 2005 at 2:46 pm 16

The Dowd article has been on my mind since I read it…

As someone whose blog is entirely devoted to my ridiculous dating life, I completely sympathize. My issue is that I, too, am educated and established, and in my life, for the most part, when I’ve worked hard for a goal, I’ve achieved it. Not the case with a man. And that frustrates me.

I too feel that sense of incompleteness that there is no man in my life. I don’t think this makes us weak. I think it actually takes a *strong* person to admit they are lonely. It is a very human thing to want companionship and strive for that in your life. For us successful women, it is often the missing link. Because for women, success has for so many years been defined as settling down, it is hard for a girl not to want that.

Just be patient… we’re all in this together!–>