A Simple Calculation of Love

Jul 30, 2006 Author: Larissa | Filed under: Dating, Relationships

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend (female) about another friend and his girlfriend. His girlfriend is a nice girl and I like her, she’s cooler than he is sometimes. But there’s nothing special about her. She’s not a girl that you meet and think wow she’s awesome, or that she’s particulary hot (she’s average-pretty) or even that she’s a really good match for him. So, we were speculating that there were just a few reasons that he was with her.

1. She’s latina and Republican (so is he)
2. She’s very sweet, polite, and tells him what he wants to hear
3. She’s got a good body – huge boobs and a nice ass (well, I guess every guy wants that haha)
4. She hangs on his arm, sort of like a pleasant decoration

Is that really all it takes? Is it that simple? I know lots of other guys that when it comes down to it, really only want a girl say – with dark hair, green eyes, and creamy skin…or a girl who doesn’t care that he loves to play video games or has an obsession with the Eagles. Another friend I know said he just wanted a girl into (or willing to put up with/go along with) his hobbies of cars and computers, and who was smarter than him. Maybe it all boils down to, quite simply just a girl who doesn’t give you grief and drive you crazy.

But, I know so many other guys (and girls) who have a seemingly endless laundry list of criteria for a mate. Some of the factors weigh in more than others, and some can get thrown out the window in place of something else. For some people, race and/or religion is a huge factor (as in dating someone the same as you), for others it’s an ideology (someone who is passionate about the same things you are – politics, the environment, working out, saving the world, or business). The only problem with having a list of wants, is that sometimes what you want isn’t really what you need. It can narrow your view and your acceptance of someone standing right in front of you – who may be perfect except maybe she has brown hair and you prefer blondes, or maybe he looks a bit too “earthy” but he is super smart and amazing in bed. Since they’re not necessarily on your radar, you miss out. Maybe that’s not a bad thing though, maybe all of our qualities and criterias for mates are a way of weeding through the masses.

In the end, perhaps there is no magic formula for love. When you know, you know. It doesn’t matter if he’s as tall as you want, or if she’s got pretty feet. To quote good ol’ LC from The Hills: “You know when you really love somebody. Love is not a maybe thing.”

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No Response for "A Simple Calculation of Love"

bill July 30th, 2006 at 9:47 am 1

You know love when you feel it. I don’t think lists work, beyond maybe the boy v girl level. I don’t believe in rules for race, religion, hair color, or whatever. Over time each of us will discover some patterns of likes and dislikes, but to apply those patterns as rules is I think a mistake. Some of my best relationships have been with women who did not fit the pattern (and maybe I didn’t fit theirs) but as a couple things just worked. Keep an open mind. Be ready to be pleasantly surprised. Dating services try to match by rules – I suppose they have to – but they will limit your options.
I-66 July 30th, 2006 at 10:01 am 2

I’m not sure it’s fair for you to decide or even rationalize why your friend is with his girlfriend and then condemn those reasons as simple. As cliche as it sounds, there is the chance that he sees something in her that nobody else does. Yes, men and women alike can have shallow reasons for being with their significant others ranging from the size of the bank account to the size of their sexual assets – there’s no disputing that, but is it right to use this guy as an example based only on speculation?
Asian Mistress July 30th, 2006 at 10:14 am 3

I-66: you’re right, and I don’t think of it that way, and as I said I do like her and think that they’re cute. I agree that there may be something he sees in her that nobody else does – and it’s not like she’s a BAD person. The list was more just a base idea of something, not to be taken literally – it was speculation sure, and an example to the simple idea of just needing a few key things to be happy – not necessarily the laundry list many have.

Bill: I agree with you, but I also think that many people are set in their “rules” and ways, and it’s hard to change and keep an open mind sometimes.
bill July 30th, 2006 at 10:57 am 4

AM – you’re right, it is hard to open up, and maybe for some people rules work. I had rules myself for a long time. I just think it’s sad to see people who are lonely because their rules are too restrictive, or for example a guy who has a few great dates with a woman but then ends it because she doesn’t conform to his concept of the ideal.

I-66 – you’re right – it’s not for us to judge another person’s rules or criteria, but it’s fair to observe and decide whether we would adopt them for ourselves
Leaf July 30th, 2006 at 2:35 pm 5

This topic is too controversial, you should have written about the oppressive heat at the OAR concert.
KassyK July 30th, 2006 at 3:11 pm 6

Hey I agree…my ex was a full hippie type guy when we met and I had been dating loud, party boy types and no one thought we would be the type to go out. We lasted for 6 years. Its about how you feel…the chemistry…when its your type and you have that then boom its incredible–but often times you are suprised by who you fall for…which is why love is so incredible when its real.

Also some people do settle just for settling purposes. I see it all the time and its sad–but hey, that’s life right? Some people want it all (and not meaning lists—but the REAL thing) and others just want that security of having someone. I personally would rather be alone than just comfortable. Comfortable is nice…but I need more than just that.
Sarah at Advancing the Plot July 30th, 2006 at 6:41 pm 7

I think we all have a “list” in one way or another. Some people are more flexible than others.

I was dating a guy I really liked for a few months who broke up w/me because he didn’t think we had enough in common. Translation: We will do what I want to do. I don’t really care what you like.

In the beginning I allowed him to take the lead. But as soon as I started suggesting other activities, we started butting heads.

At least I figured this out early on! How boring would it be to date your clone. Not on my list.
Stef July 30th, 2006 at 9:54 pm 8

I think Sarah makes a great point – it would be terrible to date your clone. And the danger in lists is that they are only based on what we *think* we want. It’s only in meeting new and different people that we may find out there’s a lot more, and that we don’t even always know what we’re missing until we try it. Interesting post.

And I like the idea that the “list” is a reason why online dating can be such a misfire – you’re really just trying to judge based on what we all write trying to conform to what we think are other people’s lists. Ick.

PS – I just noticed your Site Meter. You’re about to hit 50,000! Congrats, Miss Popularity!
DCVita July 31st, 2006 at 2:04 pm 9

What about some people who really love someone but they always hold out for something better?! What do you call those kind of people- bc they are out there.

There is no formula. And if there is, timing is a huge part of that. Sometimes you are wandering aimlessly through life when, BAM, you stumble on your perfect person- and there is no rhyme or reason for it.
Twoste July 31st, 2006 at 4:18 pm 10

Yeah, but what if you find that perfect person and it passes you by because the interest is not mutual.
Bottom line is, there is no perfect person or answer to this question. As much as it pains me to say it, compromise is key. You meet someone you care enough about, you’ll be willing to adapt your life to fit theirs.
I’m sure your friend with the “inadequate” girlfriend must have made some compromises.
This doesn’t have to be — or, rather, shouldn’t have to be — some kind of dramatic life changing decision. Down the line, this kind of relationship is important in retrospect, but you rarely realize it at the time…if you do, then you might be heading for disaster when it inevitably doesn’t live up to your expectations.
Paige Jennifer July 31st, 2006 at 7:52 pm 11

I can’t believe I’m going to admit this – LC made a brilliant point with that there comment. Nice post.
Sara August 1st, 2006 at 9:17 am 12

Great post And very true…

I threw out my rules and am now with the boy I’m going to marry… So I’m a big advocate for going beyond what you think you want! It opens up a whole world of possiblities

And in response to dcvita – I don’t think those people are really in love if they’re always looking for something better.
Andrea August 1st, 2006 at 6:02 pm 13

This was definitely an interesting post and something that I think about all the time in addition to the every curious mystery of how some guys can be with very b!tchy girls who are not even all that physically attractive even. And I’m not saying this as a judgment that I would make myself but one that is a made via general consensus. Who knows?
TooMuchCoffeeLady August 2nd, 2006 at 11:40 am 14

I don’t think anyone who isn’t IN that relationship can really judge the validity of another person’s criteria for an SO. Most people our age are choosing SOs with the notion that long-term (if not marriage) is at least a possibility, and we all have ways we want to live our lives that an SO who didn’t fill certain criteria would hold us back from. And honestly, it’s the criteria that many consider “superficial” (ie, culture, our core beliefs, ambitions, finances, etc) that end up breaking up couples and marriages if it doesn’t mesh.
Needtsza August 6th, 2006 at 9:45 pm 15

where were these girls when I was single?