Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic?

Nov 12, 2006 Author: Larissa | Filed under: Advice, Blogging, Relationships

I’ve come to realize I have an unfortunate addiction. No, it’s not an item, food, or even men or sex. It’s worse. I’m addicted to advice.

I’ve realized that in the beginning of every relationship I have, or through many of the large decisions I make in life, I overshare and constantly seek out advice from my friends. And now, from blogs. I read blogs and decide which ones relate to my life, and read the comments people leave with various (good or bad) advice. I have my own blogs that I write asking for opinions or advice that I take to heart. (And yes, even this one counts – although it’s not really asking a question.)

Maybe the need to hear what other’s think is some kind of approval method for me, that if others think something is OK, then it must be. Done and done. Maybe it’s just initial insecurity with a new relationship that needs to be reassured. But in reality, nobody can really know a situation unless they are right in the middle of it. Nobody can understand your fight with your friend other than you and that friend – because you were there, you know the person, and you understand how they think. Same with relationships. We can all take whatever advice from friends and loved ones about what our significant other may be thinking or the motives for their actions…but really the only person who knows the truth is you (maybe) and them.

Of course there comes a point with advice where you know you should take it, but you don’t. Often I’m told that I will ask around but then still end up doing what I want anyway. And that’s just the way I am and I realize that. Maybe we just ask until we get the answer that we want to hear, or the answer that we think we’re looking for.

Then there is the fact that sometimes people can tell you something over and over, but you still don’t get it. You don’t want to. Like my last relationship, people told me over and over that he wasn’t good for me…and it took me being done with it and kicking myself in the ass to get over it. I stopped when I was done. I’m not saying it was a good decision, but it was something I had to do on my own.

I know I’m not the only one out there with this addiction. Some people may call it a cry for attention, but I don’t think that’s it. As I said it’s more of an approval thing, but even so – I usually do what I want regardless of what others say. And, if I really care about something, I don’t usually blog it or share it. Sometimes not even with my closest friends. But, at some point I will ask around for opinions and advice, and I will try to figure it out with a little help from my friends. Is this a healthy pattern of behavior? Maybe, maybe not. But, I’ve realized it’s how I operate, and I’m not quite sure if I need to stop.

*Post title an ode to Brit-Brit…maybe she’ll make a Fed-Ex comeback. We can only hope.

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No Response for "Don’t You Know That You’re Toxic?"

KassyK November 12th, 2006 at 2:21 pm 1

I am actually the opposite and I never ask for advice & I think it takes a good balance to be able to ask for and take it when you need it and not ask for it all the time as well…when that balance happens I don’t know but I hope its sooner than later…you are an awesome girl.
Siryn November 12th, 2006 at 6:03 pm 2

Great post.

In the end, I think the advice you seek is probably more of a validation of what you want to do, since you will end up doing what you want anyway. Is it healthy? Not really… especially if you ignore people telling you that your course of action is self-destructive.

But this is the only way that some people will learn. Maybe it is the only way that you will learn – the hard way. I’m not judging, but it is what it is. If you have to do everything yourself without heeding others’ experiences, then you just have to learn the hard way. It may cost you some heartache in the end, but you will at least (hopefully) have learned your lesson.
Geoff_Livingston November 13th, 2006 at 8:33 am 3

Well done. Your remind me of me quite a lot, only you’re getting it sooner. Realization is half the battle. Soon you will start asserting your self, walk your own walk, etc.

The best is when someone gives you advice, you know its BS, but you understand that they’re just trying to help, or assert themselves as experts. You smile, then walk away and throw the advice out the window.
Twoste November 13th, 2006 at 9:23 am 4

Advice is sacred, never stop learning, be single minded, but be open…just know yourself and listen to what people say and take the bits and pieces that you like
Jay Gatsby November 13th, 2006 at 6:04 pm 5

This post reminded me of a quote from the Fountainhead by Ayn Rand:

“If you want my advice, Peter,” he said at last, “you’ve made a mistake already. By asking me. By asking anyone. Never ask people. Not about your work. Don’t you know what you want? How can you stand it, not to know?”
playfulinnc November 13th, 2006 at 6:12 pm 6

And I love to give it…there is another twin problem.

Mostly, I have learned, unless I am getting paid to do it, to keep my damn mouth shut.

(Especially to my girlfriends-those comments could come back to bite you.)
NotCarrie November 14th, 2006 at 8:42 pm 7

I end up talking about my stuff a lot once it starts to drive me crazy. but I’ll only listen to the advice I want to hear;)
Smash November 14th, 2006 at 10:57 pm 8

I’m always checking with other people just to make sure I’m not crazy. Because, I feel like there’s always a chance that I am.