This article in the NYT hit home for me.I mentioned before in my 100 things about me post, that I used to consider myself a feminist, but now I’m not so sure.

It’s true.

When I was in about middle school, I read Reviving Ophelia. I researched Betty Friedan. I scorned models in Playboy. I watched Three’s Company and cringed at the sexist nature of the show. I told myself that I would never ever be one of those women who relied on men. My mother taught me that women could do anything, and that I didn’t need a man to be complete. She also told me to be strong, and not to chase the boys. (The only advice I took from that was not to chase the boys.) I was angry. I was angry that women were looked down upon, that it was only a few decades before that we had the right to vote, the right to work, the right to do almost anything. I was angry that on average, women earned 75 cents to the dollar that men earned. I was angry that glass ceilings existed. And now? I am still angry. I’m angry that I don’t know what I want to do with my life. That I have all of these options and not a clue as to what I can do with them. That I don’t really know how lucky I am to have the choice. I’m angry that I care I don’t look like Jessica Simpson or Eva Longoria. I’m angry that I want to be seen as the sex symbol. That I want to be seen as the doting wife and mother. And yet, I want to be seen as equal. I’m angry that I’m in my early 20′s and I’m scared that I’ll never get married. I know tons of beautiful, successful young women in their 30′s who are amazing…so I know I’ll be OK seeing them as a role model…but I still worry.The dating industry is booming. Everywhere you look it’s how to get a man, how to keep a man, how to attract a man, and how to get over a man when he dumps you. Well, no wonder he dumps you…all you worry about is what to do to catch him or keep him! Match.com and other internet dating services are gaining speed, and Cosmo continues to be the highest selling women’s magazine. Has everything really gone full circle? Are the articles aimed at young women today similar to those aimed at the young women in the 1950′s – only more cleverly crafted and worded? I too have pondered what is stated at the end of the NYT article (see quote below), and wonder is it true that women are destined to a cycle of rebellion and regression? That thirty years from now the same generation of girls who were striving to attain the “ideal life” and the “perfect man” are now regretting it…

Having boomeranged once, will women do it again in a couple of decades? If we flash forward to 2030, will we see all those young women who thought trying to Have It All was a pointless slog, now middle-aged and stranded in suburbia, popping Ativan, struggling with rebellious teenagers, deserted by husbands for younger babes, unable to get back into a work force they never tried to be part of?

The women I know are stuck. Stuck between wanting a life on Wisteria Lane, and stuck between wanting to be the next CEO. Even on Desperate Housewives, the character of Lynette is constantly struggling as the mom who goes back to work. It’s a delicate balance of power, and a game that we have to play whether we want to or not. There are some women who don’t have the luxury of choosing to stay home or to work – and those women are chastised for not being home enough with their children, because they are putting food on the table – working three jobs! There are some women who get married, have children, and stop working – who are chastised for being “lazy” or for not being ambitious enough. For not having goals. Then there are the women who are “married” to their jobs – who are chastised for wanting too much, for reaching above and beyond, and more likely than not – ending up alone because of it. How can we find a happy medium for all of these women? Is it even possible?Me, I know I would get bored out of my mind staying at home and raising a family. As much as I love children, and as much as I want to do it – I know that’s not enough for me. I need adult conversation, I need somewhere to be, and something to do. I know taking care of a child is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job, with not a lot of thanks and never a moment off. I’m certainly not discounting the hard work and heart it takes to raise childen. I just know that for me, I’m going to want it all. And I deserve it all. I just don’t know how to make it work.

If you think about it, it’s a pretty fucked up society we live in where a girl such as myself…who is educated, intelligent, and a good person can be made to feel like she’s missing something without a man. Do you think men ever feel that way? Well gee, I’m smart, successful, tall and handsome, but I just don’t think I’m a real man without a wife. So he gets one. A trophy wife. (Joke here guys!)

I can’t say that I don’t crave the happy ending…the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids with a dog. I just wonder at what point did my desires change from wanting to be an “obstetrician by day and a rock star by night,” to the seemingly suffocating life of a “desperate” housewife.

I went to the gym today with my roommate. I did about 30 minutes of the elliptical and bike, then stretched. I was surprised I can still (almost) do splits. What can I say, I’m naturally stretchy.

But anyway, that’s the first time in months I’ve been. I need to go more often. I think my roommate might motivate me. She is having some issues with her joints, which limits her ability. Her handicap is my help, since that puts us at basically the same skill level. Actually, she is one of the few people I appreciate in my struggle. Although she is a slender size 2, and probably always will be, she supports me and never makes me feel bad about what I look like. She’s not one of the people who says “oh, losing weight is easy!” or tells me what I should do and gives me unwanted advice. My best friend helps me as well because she too struggles with it (don’t think I forgot about you life partner!). My parents try to help because they know I struggle with it. My dad even offered to buy me a new computer if I lost 20 pounds. Seems fucked up I know, but he was just trying to help me.

I’ve been struggling for some time with this issue. Why can’t I just DO IT? Why is it so hard for me? I know exactly what I need to do.

I hate it when people give me advice. (So, please don’t leave comments on what to do.) I know what I need, I just don’t do it. It’s a VERY touchy subject for me. When people start giving me advice on what to do, I generally tune them out. Yes I know, cut carbs, increase protein, eat many small meals, drink lots of water, exercise at least 30 minutes 3 times a week, eat breakfast, watch your sugar intake, increase fruits and vegetables.

I think it’s such a touchy subject for me, because for years, my ex-boyfriend told me I was fat. The funny thing is, when I was with him, I wasn’t really fat. He just wanted me to be thinner. So, I have sort of become a self fulfilling prophecy. Through crash dieting, yo-yo dieting, and general self esteem issues stemming from my relationship with him…I did become fat. Of course, I can’t completely blame it on him, but I can certainly blame some of my complexes on him. I remember one time, towards the end, he told me that he didn’t like having sex with me anymore because my body disgusted him and he didn’t like running his hands over it anymore. I cried, yet I still continued to sleep with him. Stupid, huh?

I guess the start of me seriously thinking about all of this again, was that a good friend of mine told me recently, “you’re hot now, think of how hot you’ll be at a size 4.”

I almost cried.

There’s just something holding me back.

I think it’s a couple of issues.

1. I think most of all, it’s a defense mechanism. I guess now I can say, “well, guys don’t like me because I’m fat.” But in reality, maybe I worry what if they don’t like me even when I’m skinny? I used to get hit on a lot more when I went out. Not that I don’t now, but it’s definitely not as much. This way I have a reason in my head why that guy doesn’t like me, and it’s an external problem not an internal flaw.

2. I’m afraid what if I start, and I don’t lose weight? I know of course that’s stupid, since when I do cut my diet and do even a little bit of exercise, I generally lose. I guess I’m worried that I will fail, so I don’t even want to try. It’s an overwhelming task. I would like to lose over 30 pounds. That’s a hell of a lot.

3. I think it frustrates me that I can’t do it. It being, exercise for a long period of time. I can at most do about 15 minutes and/or 1-2 miles. My calf muscles burn and my knees hurt. I should probably stretch beforehand to help that. My body just isn’t used to being active, since I never was when I was younger due to bad asthma. I didn’t grow up playing soccer and such. The most I ever did was dance.

There is no excuse for me not to do this. I’m at a good point in my life, it can do nothing but enhance what I have and make me happier. If I think about it, I can be skinny next year at this time. I can wear the clothes I want to wear. I won’t have to cut my stomach out of pictures. I can walk into a room with my head held high. I can look at the boys who I have liked and who didn’t like me and say “eat your heart out.” I can not worry about what people think of me. I can stop comparing myself to every girl I see.

I can finally, be comfortable in my own skin.

I just don’t know if I can finally, after years of bitching, make myself just do it.

I know I’m a good person, and I’m fabulous just the way I am. I just know that I could be happier if I was smaller.

Some pictures of what I would like to get back to.
No size 2, but definitely better than what I am now.

Me junior year of college

Some pictures of me now

Nobody can push me to do this, it’s just something I need to be able to do on my own, for myself.

Hopefully this time, I’m moving closer to my goal, and I will finally get it together.

As with my other change…only time will tell.

There are a select few bloggers that I would count as “real life” friends. That being, people I have entered into my circle of trust. People I talk to outside of leaving a comment here and there. People I go out with, that I IM on the weekend, I email with during work, and I call at night. I would probably say those near and dear to me are of course Sara & Lil DC Diva of my “alma matter” TBN, and in more recent months, Kathryn, Cookie, VP, AUA, RC, Chase, and I-66. Based on my scale, these blog buddies can range from acquaintance-friends to good friends – depending on the situation. But, I love them all!

It’s a funny thing, these blog friendships. Some are people you knew before you became (gasp!) a blogger, and some you meet through our oh so fabulous social events courtesy of Kathryn etc… People always look at my pictures and are like, who are those people? They look fun! I just smile and say, oh…random friends. It’s a good feeling though, to know that I’ve met all of these wonderful (and normal haha) people just through our penchant for writing and sharing our analysis of life as we know it with the world.

The weird thing is that although it may seem like we all know each other so well, in reality most of us don’t. It’s easy to talk freely to one another, because you really do know a little bit more than say – the coworker in the next cubicle – simply because you read each other’s thoughts via blog. It’s easy to forget that for the most part, we are all little more than acquaintances. It’s always interesting to see if the person who writes the blog you love or hate, lives up to the fiction they create. I like to think that I am pretty true to my word.

A caveat to blogging…people can probably tell a lot simply by reading comments, who has left them where and what they are saying. A comment to the average reader may seem like nothing, but to a blogging buddy may say it all.

But where is the line drawn?

Sometimes things get personal, and cause a blog war between people you know in real life, or ones you don’t. But the best option there is to make the best of it, and just agree to get down and dirty. It’s just a blog after all. In some cases, you can even meet someone who makes you swoon.

Personally, I hold many a blogger’s real life secrets…and some of those same bloggers hold mine.

I guess we can all just hope that there is enough trust among us from putting ourselves out there on the web, to keep the true reality hidden just a little bit.

Although we may whisper among ourselves, and share stories in secret – we must keep some sense of mystery to the blog world!

Selling the drama indeed.