If you happened to catch the Hot Morning Mess on Hot 99.5 this morning, you would have heard yours truly winning the BLIND DATE/BACHELOR (Win a Date Wednesday) contest and…

JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE TICKETS!
(Take that 9:30 Club)

I am so excited, I can’t function.

I was in the car driving to work, and happened to catch the end of them saying to call in for a chance to win a date and tickets for Justin.

I decided what the hell, I’ll call…and after multiple busy signals, I finally got through!

There were three girls chosen and each was asked a question about what they liked to do for fun. I answered that I liked to go out in DC and hit up the club scene, and was also fine just hanging out at home. The other girls said things like they liked to go fishing and that they liked to go to football games. After that section, the DJs came on and told me they had chosen me to be their bachelorette for the day!

I had to pick three questions to ask the guys….

The first one was, “If you were any drink, what would you be?”
Guy 1: Red bull and vodka (I forgot why he said that)
Guy 2: Sex on the beach….no explanation needed

The second one was, “What’s the best date you ever had?”
Guy 1: Took gf to a bed and breakfast
Guy 2: Inner Harbor

The third one was, “Since we’re going to see Justin Timberlake, which of his songs really ’speaks to you?’”
Guy 1: Um, I don’t really know any Justin songs
Guy 2: Sexy Back (I said “because it’s the only song he knows!” to which he answered another song of Cry me a River haha)

After careful consideration (and text messages from friends), I decided to go with Bachelor # 1. He seemed more laid back and like he had a better personality than the other guy. I was a little put off by Guy 2 saying “sex on the beach” for his drink (can’t think of something less cliche?) and also that he wanted someone with big boobs (even though I guess I have those haha).*

He called me a little bit ago, still seems nice…I checked out some pics of him, looks fine……….whatever, I don’t really care too much about the “date” - I GET TO GO SEE JUSTIN TIMBERLAKE FOR FREE!!!!!!

How crazy is that?!?

Sidenote: When I told my mom, she first was like, “Only you, AM. That would only happen to you.” Then she asked me who Justin Timberlake was (”I think I know, but I’m not sure.”) then she got stuck on the idea that maybe my date would be great (”Ohhhh so it’s a DATE too?!?”) and was all excited about that. Sigh. Not the point mom!!!!!!!

*So now, the DJ told me he was surprised I didn’t pick 2 since he seemed more outgoing (AND he said maybe he was a little cuter damnit), and a few other people said they would have picked Guy 2. Oh well, guess I’ll never know!

No, I’m not talking about winning the lottery. Or even about placing your bets in Vegas. I’m talking about THE number. The one that both everyone talks about, and nobody mentions.

Of course, I’m talking about the number of people you have slept with. On my vacation, one of the books I read was 20 Times a Lady by Karyn Bosnak, who also wrote one of my favorite books Save Karyn*. The premise is a young 30-something gal who has an unfortunate epiphany that she has now slept with 20 men (twice the “national average”) and is nowhere near finding Mr. Right. She goes on a haphazard trip across the country to track down each and every man she’s slept with, to make certain that there was no spark still flying and no husband to hunt down.

In addition to being funny and light (and carrying a few typos!), the book of course got me thinking about my own past experiences. I actually keep a pretty extensive list. It includes everyone I’ve ever kissed, had sex with, or any combination in between. I make little notes about each one, and even rate them sometimes (God, I hope none of them ever find this post). I am nothing if not thorough. Haha.

There are of course people in your gallery of hook ups that you would like to forget, but even so, I never regret anything that I do in the boudoir. Chalk it all up to experience I guess. As much as I would like to, I can’t discount the one night stand I had on spring break (OK, two of them), because it taught me that hey - sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I can’t discount the “steady” hook up I’ve been sleeping with off and on for three years, no matter how bad for me he is. I can’t discount the really bad hook ups, or even the really good ones. It’s all a part of the choices I’ve made in life, and the decisions I have to live with - the whole idea of keeping a tally of your number is really a good look into your psyche and how you handle a lot of situations in life. Life is all about choices and consequences, I think - and what better example than the bedroom notch?

According to the movie American Pie (and maybe Mean Girls), most people never really disclose their number. Guys may multiple by 3, girls may divide by 3. Of course that’s all due to society’s double standard of “sluts and studs”** and what makes someone a real “lady” or “gentleman” vs. a typical frat boy or sorostitute. I’m not sure if that double standard will ever disappear, no matter how empowered and sexually confident women become. Of course there is a fine line between 10 people and 100 people…but should there be? What if that’s just how you are, and who you are? I don’t know…it’s a personal preference I guess.

As for me, I’m pretty honest about my number on a need to know basis. I’m not ashamed. Once upon a time I thought it was too low, and once I thought it was too high; and then suddenly I just became comfortable with it, with myself and sexuality and decisions…and just let it go. In the scheme of things, if you strip it of its supposed power and societal connotations - it really is just a number.

* Obviously quite inspirational
** Lord, I’m worried what my sitemeter searches will show

Everybody knows how the fighting in Israel has escalated into pretty much a full out open war. While tensions in the middle east in general remain high, you have to wonder what’s going to happen. Iraq and Afghanistan are certainly still unstable, people in Israel and Lebanon are getting killed every day, and Iran and North Korea are just sitting there taking it all in while playing with their nuclear missiles. While all of this is happening, let’s also remember that the entire world has problems - there are people in Africa and El Salvador and even here in America that are oppressed, that are poor, that are angry, and that are violent. This is the tip of the iceberg. World War III could very well come crashing down on us, before we can even blink.

As far as the Israel conflict goes, I think it annnoys me the most to think that of the say, 60% of Americans who are actually paying attention to the news and watching what’s happening (and maybe 60% is an optimistic number), only about 40% (again, maybe optimistic) actually understand it. And, it is a complicated issue for sure, and I don’t really think there is a right or wrong party here. I have the sinking feeling that most people in this country believe it’s the same battles as Iraq, that all of the middle east is the same, and it’s all TERRORISTS. Maybe I don’t give people enough credit, but I think that people are so self absorbed, that they just don’t notice or even care. It’s too far away to affect them (other than higher gas prices) and they don’t understand it, so they dismiss what’s happening.

Speaking of terrorists, George W. doesn’t know his ass from his elbow - and personally I think he’s a little trigger happy. We’re already in a tight situation in Iraq, that I believe GW got us into less for “finding terrorists” and more for oil and revenge for his father. Tell me I’m unpatriotic, and tell me I’m not supporting our government. I believe in protection and justice. But the idea of preemptive strike, of relating ALL of the middle east back to 9/11 and terrorists…how can I support that? How can I support Bush being the only world leader to say “sure, you’re justified in killing hundreds of people” and other world leaders are calling on all parties to be at fault, and all to make amends. On another note, Condi - where are YOU on all of this?


The U.S. fully backs Israel, and always has. But, it’s not a simple black and white argument. The Palestinians are not WRONG either. It’s more than the Gaza Strip and the West Bank. They have been forced into refugee camps for decades, pushed off land, and for what? The majority of fights in the middle east, and every other country - boils down to fighting over land, and over religion. It doesn’t make either side right or wrong. This recent violence began because two soldiers were captured. But, to kill hundreds of civilians and innocent people over it is unecessary. The primary antagonist in this situation is Hezbollah, an extremist group. The thing is, every country has extremist groups. In Iraq, in Israel, in Africa, in Asia, even in America there are extremist groups - militant, religious, etc… People need to realize that terrorists do exist, but that not everyone is a terrorist.

There is so much wrong in the world today, that I think it’s much easier to live not knowing that the entire world is oppressed. I can say I’m guilty of turning a blind eye, and being one of those self absorbed Americans…and I admit it. But, I’m also one who can see the bigger picture, who understands that while we in America have more consumer choices and options than you can imagine, there are people all over the world without the basic necessities to live. They are poor, they are starving, they are are oppressed, they are sick (AIDS), they are weakened….and if they haven’t completely given up hope, they are angry. Even in America. It’s a shame that while there are so many resources to help people, there is not enough help available to even begin to make a change.

I think this country will continue to turn away, to think it doesn’t affect them. That is, until the entire world is up in arms, and suddenly America too is thrown even deeper into battle, and maybe then people will start to pay attention.

We’ve all seen a shift in the past 10 (or more) years with what being single means and how relationships are handled. You could say it started with Sex & the City, but I think it started way before that show got big. It’s created books like The Hookup Handbook and also UnHooked.

Beyond books and blogs, it’s become an even bigger cultural shift. Hot on the radio now is Nelly Furtado’s Promiscuous, with lyrics like “promiscuous boy, you already know that I’m all yours, what are you waiting for?” and even the Pussycat Dolls with Buttons, I mean, it should be a natural route for a 15 year old to be singing “I’m telling you to loosen up my buttons baby” to turn into a 21 year old that doesn’t have a clue about how to handle a hook up vs. a relationship. Granted, it’s not that today’s lyrics are any more sexual than yesterday’s “I wanna sex you up” and “let’s talk about sex,” but I think the message has changed.

Now, I’m fine with just hooking up with someone, which I think is a healthy attitude and can definitely be beneficial to a person’s growth and experiences - but I’m not saying it doesn’t come with a price. You may have fun for awhile, but when do you draw the line? It’s funny because I never thought I would be the kind of girl to ever have a one night stand, or to ever have a hook up buddy or friend with benefits. But, it’s slowly creeping up on me that now I’ve had more of those encounters than real relationships. And, while I don’t mind that things have turned out that way, I have to wonder if it’s just me, or everyone else as well that is experiencing this.

With hooking up - eventually someone might get attached. It’s most often thought of as the girl, but I’ve seen it happen to the guy too. I count some of my long term hook ups as relationships of a sort. Although I’ve never “really” dated the guys, I’m friendly with them - some I really am/was friends with, some I pretended to be friends with, and some we didn’t even pretend that we were more than just fuck buddies. It all really depends on the person and the situation. I think when it becomes a long term hook up over a period of time (even if it’s not necessarily consistent, say once a week, or twice a month, or whatever it may be) then in a way it becomes a relationship that has to be maintained. You talk about your lives, you may go out with the person once in awhile, but it never crosses over into a real relationship because one or both partners may not really want that. So, it toes the line above platonic friend (or even “friend” at all) and quite below possible love interest or boyfriend/girlfriend material, into the much debated gray area of the hook up.

Maybe it’s just the way relationships are going to be from now on. Sure, some hook ups may turn into something real, and some relationships may not have even began as a hook up. Obviously many relationships begin and end up “normal” and many that started out as a casual thing become more. It’s not a pure black and white scenario, and never will be I don’t think. Through it all though, technology has admittedly created a faster, less formal and more casual way of communicating on all levels, including dating. How is it that some people can have 200+ friends on sites like MySpace and Facebook, but in reality the idea of “close” friends is apparently shrinking (although I have to say mine seems to have grown)?

I feel like dating and even love now involves less risk, less commitment (of time and emotion) and less communication. Maybe all this hooking up is just an elaborate effort of the “me” generation to get what they want (instant gratification through sex etc…) and not get hurt in the process.

It may work, but I’m not sure it makes it alright.

“You know I like the way you are, but if we don’t cut deep we never will scar…when I desert you, I know it won’t hurt you, cause it was just a casual thing…” ~ Eli Goldsmith

Well, Sex & the City got a somewhat bad reputation for making idols out of women who actually can’t hold a serious, functional relationship. They talk and bitch and analyze the men and relationships in their lives, and sure it may be as simple as dating a lot of bad apples, but maybe part of it was their own problems with themselves and how they approached relationships. I mean, it takes two to make one work, and two to have one fail.

In retrospect, Grey’s Anatomy seems has done the same thing. Now, I love the show. But, why?

The women on Grey’s are all generally strong characters. They are smart, witty, gorgeous, and have it all together…except in matters of the heart.

Here is Meredith, she falls for this guy, finds out he’s married, and is still in love with him. He chooses to go back to his wife (fine), then he gets jealous and calls her a whore. He keeps lusting after her and stringing her along. And she lets him. She even sleeps with him again.She says this, “

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”What does that say?!?

(The video clip I wanted was taken down due to copyright permissions)

Then there is Addison, she stands by her man in a masochistic way, even though he is obviously in love with Meredith. She even says “the only people who don’t know that Derek loves Meredith are Derek and Meredith.” I mean, why stay with him, why do that? Keep the hope, wait for him to come around? You cheated on him. He left. End of story. Why wait for him to forgive you?

She says, “I want you to care. I sleep with your best friend, and you walk away. He comes out here from New York and rubs it in your face, and still you get a good night’s sleep. What do I have to do? Oh, I know. Maybe what I should do is go out on a date with the vet because that seems to be something that sends you into a blind rage. Oh but wait, that won’t work either because I’m not Meredith Grey!”

I mean, I understand her pain, but seriously.

Now, I know these are all fictional TV characters, but is the popularity of the show (especially with women) due to women relating to these characters? And is that a bad thing? Is the show popular because women look at these characters and idealize the relationships and lives they have, make them their own…and is that a good thing?

Sex and the City taught us that it was OK to be single and 30+ and fabulous. And I agree with that. Why should you feel like less of a person, less of a woman, if you’re single and not married by the ticking time bomb of 30+? But, the fact that women had to be told that it was OK, that’s where it bothers me. You know what I mean?

And Grey’s, in the back of my mind, validates that women are weak. The women let the men run the show. Meredith slept with George then couldn’t do anything about it when he stopped talking to her for weeks. Alex didn’t kiss Izzy on their first date, so she just got mad about it until he did. Christina is so detached and cold sometimes that she pushes Burke away.

I’m not sure if it’s a reflection of our society, in a subconsious way…or if it’s just a few examples of dysfuntional relationships that gets everybody interested. It’s like watching a train wreck. Even other popular shows feature weak women characters…Friends, Will & Grace, even older shows like Dawson’s Creek. The only “strong woman” show I can think of is Alias. Even that show Commander in Chief got cancelled.

So here we are, all mindlessy watching these entertaining and good shows…but are we really seeing what’s there?