Relationships are a subject for many blogs. Why can’t I find a good man or woman? Where do I go to meet quality people? Does he or she like me? What do I do now?

It seems that now, more than ever, there are swarms of young professionals in their 20’s and 30’s who are still searching for that one true love. Everyone (even some men*) wants the fairy tale romance. Both men and women have “laundry lists” of qualities they want** in a partner, and this is hurting the odds of finding a good mate.I think that books are partly to blame for all of this confusion and setting of standards.

Starting with The Rules and even Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and graduating into He’s Just Not That Into You (and its counter, Be Honest: You’re Not That Into Him Either) and in a way the new book, Unhooked.

There is even a book that supports our indeciciveness and failure to secure meaningful relationships called The HookUp Handbook, designed to explain these casual relationships, and make them acceptable.

Everyone has so much “self-help” thrown at them, that they can’t help themselves.

No relationship is ever perfect. Spending your time reading about how to argue the “right way” and how to be fair…won’t get you anywhere. If you believe that relationships (and people in general) should behave or result in a certain way, then it won’t work.
Decades ago, nobody was reading such things. People got themselves in and out of relationships through old fashioned trial and error. It’s true, that the whole idea of “courtship” has more or less died, and turned into a mystery of casual dating and sex, while still searching for Mr. Right. There is so much pressure now to be or act a certain way, to be an independent (but not too independent) woman, and to be a sensitive and in some ways a metrosexual man. Maybe the mess of dating today, is also related to the still changing ideas and confusion of gender roles, and what men and women desire in a mate.Sticking to plans or rules (such as the infamous 3-day rule, or the I’ll be married by the time I’m 30, or 31, or 32 plan) will just lead to mixed signals and miscommunication. Some people may cut someone off because he or she didn’t follow these unspoken rules. He didn’t call right away, he called too soon. She didn’t seem interested, she didn’t kiss me goodnight. He or she is in their 30’s, so therefore must be ready to get married and have babies. People rule out possible relationships because of another person not following these social rules.

Granted, aside from books, technology has played a significant role, providing less personal communication and less face to face interaction. How many times have you heard someone say “I text message when I don’t want to actually talk to the person”? Even I am guilty of that. Technology even plays a role when we fight, how many long, dramatic emails have been written between two in a lover’s quarrel (again, even I am guilty of that)…where sometimes you say things you shouldn’t have said, in anger or defensiveness. Of course, these things may still have been said face to face, but then there will not be the written back up of whatever nasty thing you may have said.

It seems most of the successful and quality relationships I know of, threw caution to the wind and never even took a second glance at the types of books I mentioned above, nor played by “the rules” of modern courtship. They just let it flow, let it happen, and dealt with what situations came up as needed.

So what is the solution? Is there an easy answer? Maybe all of these dating and relationship rules and ideas of the way things “should” be are too ingrained in our society now. Maybe the best we can hope for is someone who plays by YOUR personal rules, and who understands that men will be men, and women will be women.***No relationship is ever going to be perfect. And nothing will ever be by the book. After all, we are only human.

*I do agree with the basic core qualities that some men look for in a woman…someone who is easy on the eyes, good in bed, supportive, doesn’t bitch, and let’s him be himself. Maybe it’s a sterotype, but maybe it’s also partly true.**I see nothing wrong with being picky, to a point. And, I am at fault here with having an internal “list” of things I want in a man. Lists of qualities you want in a man or woman can force you to miss out on someone who may have been a perfect fit. Sometimes the things you need, aren’t always what you thought you wanted.

***Sarcasm here.