Ah, a breath of fresh air. I couldn’t agree more with this Washington Post article. I would love to find someone to enjoy events like this…museum talks, poetry readings, book signings, movie screenings, etc…

Intellidating. How simple. And how necessary.

There is nothing I like more than meeting a guy who is not only cute and fun, but also well educated. Someone who can talk about current events with ease, able to display some interest in the world, and be open minded enough to discuss differences. And God, someone who votes. Even in local elections. Someone to engage in witty banter, pleasant sarcasm, and who has a desire to experience things outside the norm. And argue. Debate. Believe in something. Nothing turns me on more than that.

Now, there can be a thin line between intelligence and arrogance. I’m not talking about someone stuffy who thinks they know everything, or thinks that they have all the answers. It’s better when it is someone who surprises you…that in addition to liking football and horror movies, they are passionate about Salvador Dali or enjoy reading Proust. Something that is important to that person, and means something to them - not the kind of person that lets the facts and figures consume their existance and define who they are.

It’s true…a sexy body may fade…but a sharp, witty mind - that sexiness can surpass anything.

1. If you sleep with a guy the first time you meet him (date, bar), then he won’t want to actually date you.

Exception: He starts to hang out with you more and decides you’re really cool and/or the sex was really amazing.

And for the record I know many relationships that started out this way…it can happen.

2. A hook up buddy situation is only beneficial for the guy. It’s usually him being horny and calling the girl. He has to intiate, knowing she will respond in a positive way.

Exception: The girl initiates with a hit or miss outlook. The guy then still has the upper hand.

3. Someone will always develop feelings whenever casual sex is involved.

Exception: Not if one of the people (guy or girl) has decided from the beginning that the other person wasn’t someone they wanted to date. However, see number 1 - feelings can change.

4. Sleeping over is a safety and/or laziness factor. If you’re really drunk or it’s really late, then it’s OK. Other times may be questionable, unless you’re really comfortable with each other or just don’t care.

Exception: If cuddling is involved, then it’s a little different.

5. If you really want to just hook up with someone, then you don’t play games.

Exception: Sometimes it’s fun to be a little flirty and mysterious, even if you know what the deal is.

…Are these true or false statements? Do they make men or women look worse? Discuss…

So I’ve come to the conclusion that a whole lot of the 20-somethings (and others) I know have one main issue…they don’t know how to date. There’s a definite problem and a shift in social standards with regards to dating.

My mom always says that since we all grew up with “group” dates and “casual” dates, that we don’t really know how to court in the traditional sense. There are probably millions of us running around confused, not knowing what to do, how to act, or what really defines a relationship. Sure, there are also millions of happily married and coupled people, who didn’t have the problem of an uncertain beginning. But, this is for the rest of us.

I think a lot of it stems from all of the stupid dating books, advice in magazines and blogs, and just general media speculation. Women think that life and love should be like an episode of Sex & the City, while men actually fear that women will be like that.

This train of thought was sparked by a conversation with a friend, where I was lamenting the fact that some recent dates had been at the guy’s house or at mine, rather than out at dinner or a movie or some other date-like event (have not slept together though). While I didn’t mind, I found myself saying, “I mean, what’s my problem? Who says that dating has to be all about wining and dining anyway? It doesn’t have to be. Just hanging out is fine. I did that in college with people I ‘dated’ so why does it need to be different now?”

She responded by saying that it’s sad that so many girls our age think that, that they don’t DESERVE to be taken out on a “real” date (whether the guy pays or not) and that it all just boils down to glorified hooking up, where maybe eventually it turns INTO a relationship. Instead of starting out with the thought of dating, it becomes something that evolves over time, stemming from often confusing semantics and situations. Neither men or women ever want to be the one to declare the status of “hanging out”, and there are so many terms for casual dating, that it’s hard to even tell if you’re actually dating.

What happened to actually getting to know a person? To wanting to impress them? Men and women are quick now to judge and dismiss, or to stay in relationships that neither of them are really that into, but deal with because it’s there. I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there who “date” in the traditional sense, but I find it increasingly harder to find. Suddenly the romantic notions of dating and relating have turned into whirlwind romances with never-ending drama and confusion. There are no more big gestures like standing outside with a radio blasting In Your Eyes.

Maybe I’m making it too hard, and thinking about it too much. And I need to just go with it. But, I feel like when someone really likes you, then you KNOW…and that women my age spend entirely too much time wasted on men who are NOT there. They are not really available, not really into them, and not really ready. But, still we analyze and try and make excuses. WHY?

There is something to be said for being a strong woman, and there are a lot of girls I know who look to say, Carrie Bradshaw and think that’s the way it should be. Um, can we please discuss the fact that she stayed in a relationship with a man who dangled her around for years, got married, cheated on his wife with her, and then FINALLY decided he was ready to be with her. Gee, we can all hope for that. Or even Meredith on Grey’s Anatomy, she is still going for the man who may or may not be ready to be with her. She chose the hard route (Dr. McDreamy) over the easier one (McVet).

Sure, these women are just figures on TV, but it’s all a reflection of society. I can’t even begin to count the numbers of women I see that are just passing by, dating duds and letting it happen. Then bitching about not finding a good man.

I think that everyone is too busy, too self-centered, and too worried about playing by the “rules” or playing the “game” to even know what they want, or how to get it. There are all these ways to communicate with one another, and yet people just aren’t communicating. You can have email, instant message, text message, and phone calls…but yet still not be able to talk to someone face to face. People are getting married later and later, and while I do think that it’s good to take the time to get to know yourself, and to be on your own…what do you do when you’re stuck in your ways and are less likely to compromise?

I worry about future generations, how are they going to act when it comes to dating. It almost makes me wish for the days of the past, where the man picked the girl up, they went to dinner or a movie, eventually they were “going steady” and then maybe, they would get engaged and married. There was structure, and there were rules. Now it seems, anything goes. But, it all seems to be going nowhere.

I just read an interview in Cosmo where Katherine Heigl said the following, “…I’m not a saint, but I’ve learned my lessons about this sort of thing, and it’s not emotionally healthy for me to sleep around. I’ve definitely been with people I probably didn’t love, and I always felt really vulnerable in those situations.”

I do agree with that, and know that putting yourself in a not so desirable situation can leave you more susceptible to an unhealthy “relationship” and lowering your standards. But, I can also see another side of that. I feel a whole lot more vulnerable when I first start sleeping with someone that I really like, there is more at stake.

Maybe it’s because when you go into something knowing it’s just a hook up and nothing more, then you really have nothing to lose. But when it’s a relationship or something that’s REAL…then there is a lot more at stake. And to me, that makes me more vulnerable, and less likely to rush into anything. I know that sometimes in love you have to take a risk…so maybe that’s really all it is, letting yourself just go. But I know that when I really like someone, I’m less likely to give more of myself up (sexually or emotionally) because I need more time to evaluate the situation. Sure I don’t totally block myself off and put up walls, and I’m not a prude…but I’m just a little more careful about what I let myself do and say.

So, which is worse? Is it worse to be more vulnerable in a situation that you know is unhealthy and bad (as in a hook up only type of thing), or worse to feel more vulnerable when you’re really putting something into a potential relationship?

One thing I really hate about dating is the idea of rules. Maybe it’s because I’m young and don’t know any better, but I have a few ideas about the first few weeks of dating and how to handle things. And I’m constantly unsure of if I’m playing “the game” right or not.

For one, how much is too much? Contact that is. If he calls you, should you call back right away? Do you wait? How long do you wait? If you call him, then he doesn’t answer…how long do you wait before you figure he isn’t interested?

You don’t want to look desperate or pressed by being the one to call him necessarily, especially if you’re not even sure if or how much you like him. Then again you don’t want to look uninterested in case you really are (interested). Maybe it’s the fact that everyone has a defense mechanism set up for rejection so that gets in the way of getting anywhere.

What about sex? How long should you wait to have sleep with him if you like him? If you want to date him? What about if you’re not sure yet if you want to date him or maybe just hook up with him? Then the rules can change and it doesn’t matter.

Then there’s the actual dating scenario. Who decides where to go when? Do you switch off or make it a mutual agreement?

Sigh…all these rules, three-day waiting periods before calling, three-date waiting periods before sex…I mean come on…what do you want guys? Do you care about the rules as they were, or do you just know when you know and throw the rules out?