Well, I finally decided to recap the great blind date from the concert.

First, let me say that the guy was really nice to me. He didn’t have to be, and we didn’t have to even meet up or anything. I think we both just decided that we were both cool and normal and it wouldn’t be bad to hang out for one night. I guess you can’t really call it a blind date when we both saw pictures of each other before the event and talked on the phone and IM, but whatever. We met up for dinner at the Daily Grill on M Street, then took a cab to the concert. We actually didn’t spend time together at the concert because I ran into my friend in line, and while he went to talk to some girl he thought was cute (who had a boyfriend he found out), I fought the crowds to view the show with my friend up by the stage. Not a bad deal.

So anyway, as I said he was perfectly nice to me, so I feel a little bad about what I’m about to share, but I can’t help it - the things he said!

He informed me that he “only dates really hot girls because I don’t like to waste time with unattractive ones.” Yes. That’s great, thanks. But, it gets better.

So I humored him and we had a thrilling conversation about hot girls, and how it’s hard to find a good one because most of them are either dumb, boring, or bad in bed. Why bad in bed? Because they are so hot guys would just fuck them anyway cause they were that hot. Um, yeah.

I countered by saying this, “well, luckily I’m not hot enough to be boring or bad in bed.”

Oh, I loved it. I was proud of my witty retort. He responded, “whatever you’re cute.” Yeah, sure buddy.

Then in the cab on the way to the concert he said that one thing he really hated was “getting with a really skinny girl who isn’t toned…and when I touch her she jiggles like jello.” Sure, I hate that too. Well, having never touched any skinny girls (or, really any girls period), I wouldn’t know.

But, the best part was when we were waiting in line to get into the 9:30 Club, and he decided to show me some super cool pictures on his Razr. He prefaced by saying that they were some “typical pics of my wild/crazy/cool nights out on the town.” Right.

The first picture was of him from mid-chest down, standing sideways with a girl on her knees in front of well, his crotch. Pretending to give him a blow job. Through his jeans. In a club.

The next picture was of the same (I think) girl, only it was just her legs…spread…in a skirt….with him in between them licking her inner thigh. Just the side of his head, and her legs.

Yeah, I had no words either.

What did he think, that I would be impressed? That I would say, damn I wish that was me! No, definitely not. I wasn’t even that entertained I was more like, what the fuck is going on there and who does that in public and takes a picture of it? And then shows it to some girl you just met?

And, finally, when we met up at the end of the night to grab a cab, he told me that some girl in front of him at the concert had “given him a vertical lap dance” by grinding her ass in his crotch all night. Well, that could also be due to the fact that he was one of about 50 guys in the whole place and probably the only one who wasn’t with a girlfriend or gay. It wasn’t because you were special.

And, that ladies and gentlemen, sums up my blind date experience. Although, I am glad I didn’t pick the other bachelor, because according to this guy he was kind of rednecky and told him (my date) that he was going to “ditch the girl if she wasn’t totally hot and/or blonde with huge boobs.” God. All in all, my “date” was fine, he treated me well and was nice to me - even if he wasn’t the best in other areas.

Sigh. So these are the guys I end up going out with. Not by choice I guess, but still…they always seem to end up the same.

No, I’m not talking about winning the lottery. Or even about placing your bets in Vegas. I’m talking about THE number. The one that both everyone talks about, and nobody mentions.

Of course, I’m talking about the number of people you have slept with. On my vacation, one of the books I read was 20 Times a Lady by Karyn Bosnak, who also wrote one of my favorite books Save Karyn*. The premise is a young 30-something gal who has an unfortunate epiphany that she has now slept with 20 men (twice the “national average”) and is nowhere near finding Mr. Right. She goes on a haphazard trip across the country to track down each and every man she’s slept with, to make certain that there was no spark still flying and no husband to hunt down.

In addition to being funny and light (and carrying a few typos!), the book of course got me thinking about my own past experiences. I actually keep a pretty extensive list. It includes everyone I’ve ever kissed, had sex with, or any combination in between. I make little notes about each one, and even rate them sometimes (God, I hope none of them ever find this post). I am nothing if not thorough. Haha.

There are of course people in your gallery of hook ups that you would like to forget, but even so, I never regret anything that I do in the boudoir. Chalk it all up to experience I guess. As much as I would like to, I can’t discount the one night stand I had on spring break (OK, two of them), because it taught me that hey - sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I can’t discount the “steady” hook up I’ve been sleeping with off and on for three years, no matter how bad for me he is. I can’t discount the really bad hook ups, or even the really good ones. It’s all a part of the choices I’ve made in life, and the decisions I have to live with - the whole idea of keeping a tally of your number is really a good look into your psyche and how you handle a lot of situations in life. Life is all about choices and consequences, I think - and what better example than the bedroom notch?

According to the movie American Pie (and maybe Mean Girls), most people never really disclose their number. Guys may multiple by 3, girls may divide by 3. Of course that’s all due to society’s double standard of “sluts and studs”** and what makes someone a real “lady” or “gentleman” vs. a typical frat boy or sorostitute. I’m not sure if that double standard will ever disappear, no matter how empowered and sexually confident women become. Of course there is a fine line between 10 people and 100 people…but should there be? What if that’s just how you are, and who you are? I don’t know…it’s a personal preference I guess.

As for me, I’m pretty honest about my number on a need to know basis. I’m not ashamed. Once upon a time I thought it was too low, and once I thought it was too high; and then suddenly I just became comfortable with it, with myself and sexuality and decisions…and just let it go. In the scheme of things, if you strip it of its supposed power and societal connotations - it really is just a number.

* Obviously quite inspirational
** Lord, I’m worried what my sitemeter searches will show

The other day I was having a conversation with a friend (female) about another friend and his girlfriend. His girlfriend is a nice girl and I like her, she’s cooler than he is sometimes. But there’s nothing special about her. She’s not a girl that you meet and think wow she’s awesome, or that she’s particulary hot (she’s average-pretty) or even that she’s a really good match for him. So, we were speculating that there were just a few reasons that he was with her.

1. She’s latina and Republican (so is he)
2. She’s very sweet, polite, and tells him what he wants to hear
3. She’s got a good body - huge boobs and a nice ass (well, I guess every guy wants that haha)
4. She hangs on his arm, sort of like a pleasant decoration

Is that really all it takes? Is it that simple? I know lots of other guys that when it comes down to it, really only want a girl say - with dark hair, green eyes, and creamy skin…or a girl who doesn’t care that he loves to play video games or has an obsession with the Eagles. Another friend I know said he just wanted a girl into (or willing to put up with/go along with) his hobbies of cars and computers, and who was smarter than him. Maybe it all boils down to, quite simply just a girl who doesn’t give you grief and drive you crazy.

But, I know so many other guys (and girls) who have a seemingly endless laundry list of criteria for a mate. Some of the factors weigh in more than others, and some can get thrown out the window in place of something else. For some people, race and/or religion is a huge factor (as in dating someone the same as you), for others it’s an ideology (someone who is passionate about the same things you are - politics, the environment, working out, saving the world, or business). The only problem with having a list of wants, is that sometimes what you want isn’t really what you need. It can narrow your view and your acceptance of someone standing right in front of you - who may be perfect except maybe she has brown hair and you prefer blondes, or maybe he looks a bit too “earthy” but he is super smart and amazing in bed. Since they’re not necessarily on your radar, you miss out. Maybe that’s not a bad thing though, maybe all of our qualities and criterias for mates are a way of weeding through the masses.

In the end, perhaps there is no magic formula for love. When you know, you know. It doesn’t matter if he’s as tall as you want, or if she’s got pretty feet. To quote good ol’ LC from The Hills: “You know when you really love somebody. Love is not a maybe thing.”

I found this dating questionnaire on the Washington Post - for their “Dating Lab” experiment…and I thought it would be interesting to answer (but not actually apply haha). I cut out the preliminary questions and went for the “interesting” ones…

Quick-what’s the first thing you do when you get up in the morning?
Hit the snooze button (if it’s a weekday)…and then usually check my computer - IMs, email, blog, etc… (I’m a loser)

What’s the last book you read?
Naked by David Sedaris

What’s the last song you couldn’t get out of your head?
“Crowded”by Jeannie Ortega, and oh God kill me - “The Real Thing” by Bo Bice….

If you could have any superpower, which one would you want? Why?
I would want the ability to transplant myself anywhere anytime. Feel like going to the beach? I’m there. Miss my friend in California? I’m there in seconds.

You took a three-hour tour with some friends, and now you’re stranded on this island:

Which three foods do you wish you’d remembered to pack? Fruit, potatoes (any kind), and meat
Which three DVDs? Top Gun, Van Wilder, Joy Luck Club
Which three people? My bff, Justin Timberlake (to entertain me/sing for me and sleep with heh), and a food network chef to cook for us - I can’t pick which one…maybe Bobby Flay….

Imagine your dating history is being turned into a TV show. Pitch it to us:
High school sweethearts turn into blood sucking black holes. Or, why you should break up when you go to college. Subtitled: what really happened to Zach and Kelley.

What’s the first drink you’d order in a bar?
Depends on my mood and my wallet. Either a Bud Light/Miller Light or Stella Artois…or some kind of martini…sometimes bourbon and coke.

What are the chances you’d then start talking to the stranger next to you and end up making a new friend?
It’s been known to happen, but not a usual occurance.

What’s the first thing people notice when they walk into your home?
It’s clean and nicely decorated.

When were you happiest?
Probably senior year of college. I really got it together then.

In what ways would you say you are very D.C.?
I guess I’m “very D.C.” because I’m into politics and I think they’re interesting.

In what ways aren’t you?
I guess I’m not “very D.C.” because I’m not stuffy and boring. And, I know how to dress.

Think about the last couple of people you dated (and, yes, “only once” counts). How/where did you meet those people?
Ugh, online…kill me now.

C’mon, brag a little: What makes you a good catch?
I’m a good girlfriend. I’m fun, caring, and good at meeting friends and family. I’m good at balancing time alone and together. Oh, and I can cook too.
Vaguely embarrassing questions about who you date…

So, what’s your type? (And don’t tell us you don’t have one-that’s such a cop-out.)
My type…assholes and general jerks. Yeah I know, I’ll grow out of it, right? But really…I like guys that are tall, smart, and funny. I like guys that are suave…gentlemanly…and nice. Someone that can make me laugh. Someone my friends and family like. I like pretty boring frat-like guys I guess…into sports, into beer, into women…but that have an intellectual side too.

What’s his/her theme song? You know, the one set off in your head when you see ‘em?
Hmm…that’s a tough one. I’ll be really cool and say Beyonce & Jay-Z “Crazy in Love” for lack of a better idea.

Most singletons say they want to meet someone funny. But what’s your idea of funny?
I like sarcastic funny. Goofy funny doesn’t do it for me. I like a smartass. But, not an obnoixious one. There’s a fine line. Witty banter is hot.

Pie-in-the-sky time: In your wildest dreams, whom (or what kind of person) would you like to date? An anthropologist who makes a mean paella? An actress/humanitarian who flies her own plane? Jack from Lost? Don’t hold back.
I guess I would like to date someone tall, dark and handsome. Cliche, right? I don’t know, there is just some way you can look at someone, and suddenly it just clicks and you can’t imagine not being with them. I can’t say it’s a lawyer who went to an Ivy League school and loves children and road trips, or a chef who owns his own restaurant and gives a great massage…I really don’t know.

Actually, you can make fun of me - but I’ve always said I wanted to marry someone like Tim Allen (on Home Improvement). That character and family was the kind of relationship I pictured myself with - even if it was on TV. My VBG actually teases me and tells me that I’ll find my Tim Allen one day. So, I guess that’s my “pie-in-the-sky” guy.

Imagine your date writes you that s/he is “equally comfortable in jeans or in formal attire.” Your reaction?
Sounds fine to me. Dress it up or dress it down. As long as you know how to do both I guess.

What was you best date ever?
My best date…I really haven’t had any that stand out in my head. Um…I guess in HS my boyfriend took me on the Dandy cruise ship (a few days before we left for college)…and ummmm…yeah that was cool.

I guess I need to go on some better dates, huh? Haha.
.
What was your worst?
God I’ve had a few. This is probably the worst one, but this one ranks up there too…aside from the actual debate of the post.

What hobbies/interests/outlooks/passions would you hope to share with your date?
I would like someone who is pretty socially liberal, but I can deal with some conservativeness. I need someone who is well educated, and who cares about what’s going on in the world, and can hold a conversation about it. Anyone who can deal with and compliment my own quirks (listening to cheesy music, food network obsession, insane allergies, and love of independent films) is also good in my book.

In what ways would you hope s/he differed from you?
I like people that make me think about the world in a different way - even if I don’t necessarily agree with it. I think the best relationships come from being with someone who makes you want to be a better person.

What’s the worst reason you’ve ever broken up with someone? (We’re all seriously petty at times.)
Well, the last one - I got bored, and I guess I just wasn’t that into him. That, and he farted in front of me. Twice. And we’d been seeing each other less than a month. He didn’t even really try to hide it. Oh, and he burped all the time - in an annoying way. I can deal with all of that, but I wasn’t attracted enough to him to find it acceptable. Besides after a month I’d hardly call it a “break-up” - but that’s what it felt like I was doing. He was way too clingy too fast. Total turn off.

In your world, what features or characteristics would normally rule someone out as a dating possibility?
What would rule someone out? Anyone who is cruel and close minded. Also, for some reason I don’t really like curly haired guys. Long hair is a don’t too.

We’ve all seen a shift in the past 10 (or more) years with what being single means and how relationships are handled. You could say it started with Sex & the City, but I think it started way before that show got big. It’s created books like The Hookup Handbook and also UnHooked.

Beyond books and blogs, it’s become an even bigger cultural shift. Hot on the radio now is Nelly Furtado’s Promiscuous, with lyrics like “promiscuous boy, you already know that I’m all yours, what are you waiting for?” and even the Pussycat Dolls with Buttons, I mean, it should be a natural route for a 15 year old to be singing “I’m telling you to loosen up my buttons baby” to turn into a 21 year old that doesn’t have a clue about how to handle a hook up vs. a relationship. Granted, it’s not that today’s lyrics are any more sexual than yesterday’s “I wanna sex you up” and “let’s talk about sex,” but I think the message has changed.

Now, I’m fine with just hooking up with someone, which I think is a healthy attitude and can definitely be beneficial to a person’s growth and experiences - but I’m not saying it doesn’t come with a price. You may have fun for awhile, but when do you draw the line? It’s funny because I never thought I would be the kind of girl to ever have a one night stand, or to ever have a hook up buddy or friend with benefits. But, it’s slowly creeping up on me that now I’ve had more of those encounters than real relationships. And, while I don’t mind that things have turned out that way, I have to wonder if it’s just me, or everyone else as well that is experiencing this.

With hooking up - eventually someone might get attached. It’s most often thought of as the girl, but I’ve seen it happen to the guy too. I count some of my long term hook ups as relationships of a sort. Although I’ve never “really” dated the guys, I’m friendly with them - some I really am/was friends with, some I pretended to be friends with, and some we didn’t even pretend that we were more than just fuck buddies. It all really depends on the person and the situation. I think when it becomes a long term hook up over a period of time (even if it’s not necessarily consistent, say once a week, or twice a month, or whatever it may be) then in a way it becomes a relationship that has to be maintained. You talk about your lives, you may go out with the person once in awhile, but it never crosses over into a real relationship because one or both partners may not really want that. So, it toes the line above platonic friend (or even “friend” at all) and quite below possible love interest or boyfriend/girlfriend material, into the much debated gray area of the hook up.

Maybe it’s just the way relationships are going to be from now on. Sure, some hook ups may turn into something real, and some relationships may not have even began as a hook up. Obviously many relationships begin and end up “normal” and many that started out as a casual thing become more. It’s not a pure black and white scenario, and never will be I don’t think. Through it all though, technology has admittedly created a faster, less formal and more casual way of communicating on all levels, including dating. How is it that some people can have 200+ friends on sites like MySpace and Facebook, but in reality the idea of “close” friends is apparently shrinking (although I have to say mine seems to have grown)?

I feel like dating and even love now involves less risk, less commitment (of time and emotion) and less communication. Maybe all this hooking up is just an elaborate effort of the “me” generation to get what they want (instant gratification through sex etc…) and not get hurt in the process.

It may work, but I’m not sure it makes it alright.

“You know I like the way you are, but if we don’t cut deep we never will scar…when I desert you, I know it won’t hurt you, cause it was just a casual thing…” ~ Eli Goldsmith