Well, as you have seen, I have moved to Wordpress! I still have a good year’s worth of posts to go through and tag, but I actually don’t mind it, it’s kind of fun! I’m still figuring out how to customize the page a bit more, but I think I like it so far.

In a previous post I mentioned that there would be some big changes coming up for me…and I think the time has come to announce it.

I GOT A NEW JOB!!!!

Some of you know I’ve been searching for a LONG time…about 6 months. It just took some time to find the right job. It was a struggle because I wanted to blog about how much it sucked and how hard it was, but I was afraid of people from work seeing it (a few read). It was a really frustrating time for me, and stressed me out a lot. But, most of the people from work who read know, and I’m giving my official notice tomorrow, so I don’t care now. I will be working for a small PR firm in Tysons starting in a couple weeks. I’m really excited to finally get into public relations (my major) and take a stab at agency life. I’m a bit nervous though…what if I can’t do it or what if it’s not really what I like or want to do? But, I guess everyone goes through that when they start a new job. I am mostly excited about the opportunity…I can’t wait to actually be DOING something I enjoy. I am sad to be leaving my current job, I have been there since January 2005, so a smidge over 2 years. And, I love the people there and the company…but it was just time to move on.

In other news, the past week or so I have really tried to buckle down and eat healthier. I went to the grocery store last week and spent way too much on healthy food ($220!), but it’s nice to eat at home and know I’m being healthy. It makes me happy to know I’m trying. I loaded up on lots of fruit and veggies, low fat/low calorie yogurt and soup, cottage cheese, whole wheat tortillas, all of that kind of stuff. Even some baked potatoes and 60-calorie broccoli and cheese packs to go on top - yum! I still slip up of course, that said Friday I ate Mexican (On the Border) and Saturday I had a steak and cheese sub and fries (which is all I ate)…but today I’m right back on track. I hope that I can keep it up. OK, so going to the gym has slacked this week with me having a horrible cold/upper respiratory infection (stayed home from work 2 days)…but maybe this week my breathing will be good enough for me to make it back. My friend’s wedding is about 4 months away, and I just went to get the bridesmaid dress yesterday…it’s much easier to take something in, than let it out! Hopefully that will be the case anyway.

I was also blessed to get a good sized tax refund, so my bank account for once has a little cushion. Of course, with the cost of car tax/registration, bridesmaid dress, groceries, and a few other things…it’s slowly been decreasing…but it’s nice to have even an extra $50 or $100 of padding. It definitely makes a difference and makes me feel a little more secure. It’s just hard not to spend it all! I know I should have saved it or put it towards my credit cards…but with that little extra there, it makes it easier for me to pay from my normal funds.

So, I’m looking forward to what the next few months bring…I have some really fun events planned, and I have a feeling there will be lots of positive changes for me!

I know that by publicly making a “resolution” or two, that I’m pretending to everyone that I’m really going to keep up my end (with myself I guess) of the bargain. Everyone can stand to improve in one way or another, whether it’s physically or personally/emotionally. I know there are a ton of things for me. I say them every year practically, and I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just DO IT. Maybe this year will be it for me. The only thing I think I have successfully done in the past year or so is to eliminate soda from my diet. I still have one occasionally, but I don’t keep it around the house and drink it, or really drink it at work at all - even diet sodas.

I think the important thing is to not overwhelm yourself, and to take baby steps. Just like in What About Bob (a great movie by the way). So I’m going to take a big idea, tone it down, and hope that I get something positive out of it in the end. All of it is going to take willpower and commitment, and it’s really really hard to keep that up.

The overall goal in mind is: Take better care of myself.

1. Eat more fruits and vegetables. OK, so it’s more expensive to buy fresh fruits and vegetables than say, a box of crackers…but overall more nutritional value. And I LIKE fruit, I miss it. I need more of it in my life. I love berries I could live on them. I would much rather eat berries for dessert than chocolate cake.

2. Go out on more dates. So, most of my dates turn out to be blog fodder, and maybe I just need to accept that. But, I also need to expand my mind and broaden my horizons. I’m too picky, I know this. It’s probably largely why I’ve been single for so long. Too picky and too afraid of getting hurt, which is a bad combination. I tend to go for guys that look the same, act the same, and well, are the same. Although over the past year I have kind of gone “outside” of my “typical” mate, still nothing that really clicks. Maybe I need to stop worrying so much about looking for something perfect, and start looking for something that’s ME.

3. Go to the gym once a week. Then twice a week. Then three times a week. Well, this is the number one new year’s resolution, so that’s going to be a bitch to fight through the masses. But, ugh God. I’ve had a gym membership now for over a year, and obviously no good results have come from it. I’ll go once in a week, or three times in a week…then not go at all for another month. I actually don’t even mind going to the gym, it’s just the getting there part that is hard. Once I’m there, it’s fine, I do my thing and it doesn’t kill me. I just need to remember that. And also look to my friends and people I know that have lost 25 or 50 pounds in 6 months to a year. That could be me. I just have to keep telling myself that.

4. Try to save $5 a week. Maybe even $10. I need savings desperately. Living paycheck to paycheck and squeezing out the last $20 the last week is painful. Yeah I know I have bills to pay and an obscene amount of debt. And I can’t help it, I still need to have a life. I can go out and meet friends and not spend money sure, but it costs me in gas and (sometimes) parking and maybe cover charges. That doesn’t help my social life or my bank account. It’s hard to find a balance.

5. Cut down on going out to eat. I say this all the time, but it really will help contribute to number 1, 3 and 4. The amount of money I spend going out to eat is probably more than I expect it to be. I mean, it’s expensive to grocery shop and cook at home too. Eating healthy is expensive, which sucks. But, at least cutting down my one to two times a week Mexican food habit is bound to do something. I just hope I can quench the cravings. It’s also hard because to me, going out to eat is a social thing…it’s what I do. I have dinner dates with friends 2-3 times a week. I go out and grab lunch with people from work. It’s just what I do to wind down. So, maybe I need to find something else to do instead.

6. Swallow my medicine. I suck at taking medicine. I have horrible asthma, and am supposed to take Advair for it. I never do. Granted, my asthma is a lot better now than when I was younger, but I still have problems here and there, and when it gets bad, it sucks. I also am an awful pill taker. It practically makes me gag even to take those little birth control pills. I can’t take pills with water. I mean, what is that?!? Maybe I should start being a grown up and taking my medicine. I’m even going to start getting allergy shots again (already made the appointment) because hopefully that will also help my asthma. Whooo for being able to breathe!

7. Stop worrying and get back on the wagon. The hardest part about all of this stuff is worrying about it and thinking about it constantly, and knowing that if I fuck up, it’s OK and get over it and keep at it. It’s kind of like quitting smoking, or any other bad lifestyle habit…I guess you can say my bad lifestyle habit is not taking care of myself. So maybe now it’s time to step up and get with it. This is the only life and body and chance I’m ever going to get, so what am I sitting around waiting for?

Basically there will be lots of squeezing of my wallet and waistline, and maybe squeezing in a few dates in between. The Big Squeeze of 2007…deep breaths and baby steps…

I need to lose weight.

I went to the gym today with my roommate. I did about 30 minutes of the elliptical and bike, then stretched. I was surprised I can still (almost) do splits. What can I say, I’m naturally stretchy.
But anyway, that’s the first time in months I’ve been. I need to go more often. I think my roommate might motivate me. She is having some issues with her joints, which limits her ability. Her handicap is my help, since that puts us at basically the same skill level. Actually, she is one of the few people I appreciate in my struggle. Although she is a slender size 2, and probably always will be, she supports me and never makes me feel bad about what I look like. She’s not one of the people who says “oh, losing weight is easy!” or tells me what I should do and gives me unwanted advice. My best friend helps me as well because she too struggles with it (don’t think I forgot about you life partner!). My parents try to help because they know I struggle with it. My dad even offered to buy me a new computer if I lost 20 pounds. Seems fucked up I know, but he was just trying to help me.

I’ve been struggling for some time with this issue. Why can’t I just DO IT? Why is it so hard for me? I know exactly what I need to do.

I hate it when people give me advice. (So, please don’t leave comments on what to do.) I know what I need, I just don’t do it. It’s a VERY touchy subject for me. When people start giving me advice on what to do, I generally tune them out. Yes I know, cut carbs, increase protein, eat many small meals, drink lots of water, exercise at least 30 minutes 3 times a week, eat breakfast, watch your sugar intake, increase fruits and vegetables.

I think it’s such a touchy subject for me, because for years, my ex-boyfriend told me I was fat. The funny thing is, when I was with him, I wasn’t really fat. He just wanted me to be thinner. So, I have sort of become a self fulfilling prophecy. Through crash dieting, yo-yo dieting, and general self esteem issues stemming from my relationship with him…I did become fat. Of course, I can’t completely blame it on him, but I can certainly blame some of my complexes on him. I remember one time, towards the end, he told me that he didn’t like having sex with me anymore because my body disgusted him and he didn’t like running his hands over it anymore. I cried, yet I still continued to sleep with him. Stupid, huh?

I guess the start of me seriously thinking about all of this again, was that a good friend of mine told me recently, “you’re hot now, think of how hot you’ll be at a size 4.”

I almost cried.

There’s just something holding me back.

I think it’s a couple of issues.

1. I think most of all, it’s a defense mechanism. I guess now I can say, “well, guys don’t like me because I’m fat.” But in reality, maybe I worry what if they don’t like me even when I’m skinny? I used to get hit on a lot more when I went out. Not that I don’t now, but it’s definitely not as much. This way I have a reason in my head why that guy doesn’t like me, and it’s an external problem not an internal flaw.

2. I’m afraid what if I start, and I don’t lose weight? I know of course that’s stupid, since when I do cut my diet and do even a little bit of exercise, I generally lose. I guess I’m worried that I will fail, so I don’t even want to try. It’s an overwhelming task. I would like to lose over 30 pounds. That’s a hell of a lot.

3. I think it frustrates me that I can’t do it. It being, exercise for a long period of time. I can at most do about 15 minutes and/or 1-2 miles. My calf muscles burn and my knees hurt. I should probably stretch beforehand to help that. My body just isn’t used to being active, since I never was when I was younger due to bad asthma. I didn’t grow up playing soccer and such. The most I ever did was dance.

There is no excuse for me not to do this. I’m at a good point in my life, it can do nothing but enhance what I have and make me happier. If I think about it, I can be skinny next year at this time. I can wear the clothes I want to wear. I won’t have to cut my stomach out of pictures. I can walk into a room with my head held high. I can look at the boys who I have liked and who didn’t like me and say “eat your heart out.” I can not worry about what people think of me. I can stop comparing myself to every girl I see.

I can finally, be comfortable in my own skin.

I just don’t know if I can finally, after years of bitching, make myself just do it.

I know I’m a good person, and I’m fabulous just the way I am. I just know that I could be happier if I was smaller.

Some pictures of what I would like to get back to.
No size 2, but definitely better than what I am now.

Me junior year of college

Some pictures of me now

Nobody can push me to do this, it’s just something I need to be able to do on my own, for myself.

Hopefully this time, I’m moving closer to my goal, and I will finally get it together.

As with my other change…only time will tell.