So many good things happening right now…and I couldn’t be happier. First off, since I started doing Jenny Craig about 6 weeks ago, I have now lost 10 lbs. and 2 inches all around (for a total of 8 inches, bust, waist, abdomen, hips). It’s funny I don’t really feel all that much skinnier, but I am I guess. My goal is to lose about 20 lbs. by my birthday in October - so I think that is an achievable goal. Then from there we will see, I definitely have more I can lose after that.

In other news, I think I may have a new job coming up…one I’m really excited about. OK, so I’ve only been at my current place about 7 months - but this other job is a lot more interesting and gives me the opportunity to really get into some things that I like. More to come on that…

And, finally, I have a new man in my life. I won’t say much, cause I don’t really blog about things I really care about (as they happen that is), and, he reads this blog (though I don’t think very often)…but I will say that things are moving along nicely (and slowly, which is good) and I’m very happy. I’ve been friends with him for awhile, and somehow in those days of literally talking 7 hours a day, it all of a sudden just kind of changed. But, he is everything I’ve ever wanted…and things are just very easy and natural. No drama, no wondering what he thinks or worrying about what I’m doing or what I think. We really just get each other, and understand each other… and have a lot of fun together. It just feels right.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve finally grown up and things are coming together for me. And, I’m finally finding some peace with myself and the decisions I’ve made (and continue to make) in my life. So, cheers to that!

So, I was driving through the city along 14th Street yesterday, and through the sweltering heat I saw many young men trudging along to or from the metro, long sleeved shirt, loosened tie with shoulders slumped and defeated and a suit jacket flung above the shoulder…and I thought to myself…poor guy, I’m glad I can wear short sleeves and skirts if I want to. The heat and humidity in DC can be downright oppressive. On the other hand, I did see a finely toned and extremely tan gentleman running on the mall, with sweat glistening over his taut arms and stomach…and I thought to myself…God bless this heat.

You know how sometimes you have these dreams, and you wake up and think what the fuck, how did that random person get into my dream? Why was I dreaming about hanging out with my second grade teacher, my cousin’s boyfriend’s sister, the guy I met at the bar last week, and my seventh grade crush? Then, it made me think…do I show up in random people’s dreams? Am I the offensive random person that makes you question just how much you were thinking about me, or how and why your subconsiousness decided to let me participate in a dream - good or bad?

Also on a more serious note, in my mid-twenties, is it normal to feel so…behind the curve? I mean, there are people that I graduated college with who are buying houses (alone!), getting married, and some are having kids. I can barely afford my rent, am still drowning in debt, and haven’t had a real decent date in 9 months (and even then decent is putting it nicely). I have friends who are managers, who have their own offices, and who genuinely love what they do. I still can’t figure out what I’m doing or if I even like it, and if I don’t like it, I still don’t know what I will do next. Does all of this mean I’m somehow on my way to being socially inept? Am I not stepping up to the plate, reaching my full potential and being aggressive enough about my future? Maybe I’m too passive in just trying to enjoy life and get by, perhaps I should be reaching and striving for something more. Maybe I’ve lost the drive, the hunger.

And, speaking of hunger…I’m on the first week of my new diet. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t going to blog about it, because I didn’t want to share with the world and open myself up to more criticism…but then I decided to be honest about it, and maybe I’ll help other people who are struggling. So, anyway, I decided to start Jenny Craig. Yes, the D-list celebrity diet featuring Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli (who? right). It’s actually not that bad, and hopefully it will give me the little boost I need to keep going on my own. It’s a pretty easy system, and although it costs a lot (about $100-$150 a week), it’s worth it to provide me with something I don’t have to think about. Basically they give you a breakfast, lunch and dinner (maybe a snack) and then you supplement your own salad, vegetables, fruits and yogurt/milk. My best friend is actually doing it with me, so that helps in that we can share our thoughts on it and actually last night we even got together to hang out and eat the food together, so we wouldn’t be tempted to go out to eat.

I did feel kind of like a loser signing up, because I think there is some stigma to going on something like this, as opposed to saying you’re doing Weight Watchers or something of the sort. It’s like admitting I couldn’t do it alone. But you know what, I couldn’t. Even though I KNOW what to eat, what to buy, what to fix…it was hard for me to get into a routine and be disciplined enough to stick to it. But now, paying for this…I don’t have to think about it, and I’m more likely to stick with it since I am paying so much for it. I don’t have to count points, to plan meals, to cook chicken and vegetables, and weigh my food. Call it the lazy person’s diet, but it works. In theory, it should help me learn to eat more (6 times a day), eat complex foods (not just eating crackers, soup, cereal and salad as most of my other “diets” have gone), and portion control. I need to be able to manage what I eat in the long run, so that I can keep the weight off that I lose, instead of gaining it back and then some. I think the tipping point for me was getting on the scale the other day, and realizing that I’m out of control. No matter what I do, the numbers are not going down, and my yo-yo dieting and weight loss and subsequent gain times two haven’t been helping the cause. I know I’m never going to be a size 2, or maybe even 4. But, I would like to get back to where I was even in 2004, which wasn’t my ideal weight then, but is certainly better than where I have ended up. I need to just find the happy medium where I feel OK, and realize that I’m never going to be perfect, and never going to be that size 2, and accept that. So, here’s to new beginnings, and let’s hope the start of something good.

Yesterday I participated in my first ever Race for the Cure. Thanks to some awesome organization from another asian girl, my team raised over $5,000 and included 50 some registered team members. I even raised $325!

Friday night I spent the night in Dupont at my friend A’s house (who also did the race with me), and after staying up until 2 am talking and watching Little Children (which was a great movie, but the book was better)…we dragged our asses out of bed at 6 am to head down to the mall.

When I arrived, I was suprised at how much it affected me. Through this whole time I knew I was doing this for a reason, but I never expected to feel the way I did when I saw all of the people walking with names on their backs in honor or remembrance of loved ones who battled breast cancer and maybe died. It made me think about how lucky I have been, and my family and friends…and it was amazing to see everyone out there, even if it was just for fun like me.

Considering that I have known I was going to do this race since March, I should have been in good shape to walk or jog it. Of course, that would also be assuming I worked out like I was supposed to and stretched (my muscles are very tight in my legs and hips and they hinder me walking long distances - I’ve worked out with two trainers and am supposed to be stretching it out, but yeah…I fail). On that note, I’m sore as hell today, I can barely walk. But it feels good you know, that I did it.

We started the race halfway through the runners start, we watched them run by and thought they weren’t going that fast, so we should run for a bit. Well, I made it about a block before I was like, nope…can’t run. My friend A went on ahead without me, and I walked the rest of the way (except for random bursts of jogging and the last block which I tried to jog through the walkers to end on an even time). I managed about 20 minute miles (I usually do about 15 minute ones so that isn’t too bad I guess) and finished in an hour. I figure that isn’t too bad for my first 5k and for not working out in over two weeks. Anyway, it feels good though, and I don’t mind the soreness. Now that I’ve done it, it makes me more excited about doing it next year, and cutting my time down to 45 minutes jogging or so. I know I can do it now, so it gives me a lot more inspiration and incentive for next year.

So I was thinking…that dieting and eating right are so easy in theory…so why is it so hard?

It’s kind of like quitting smoking, only not because you can’t REALLY ever quit eating. Smoking is an example of something that is bad for you, and you know it is…but eating, that’s something you have to do, but it can turn into the enemy.

Everybody knows what to do to lose weight. Eat less overall calories, eat more fruits and vegetables, fill up on “good” foods and proteins, maybe even cut carbs or start eating whole wheat carbs. Sleep more, drink more water, try to do cardio for at least 30 minutes 3 days a week, avoid processed foods…the list goes on. But you know what, it’s hard. Anybody who says dieting and losing weight is easy is wrong. Mostly because in the end, you have to find out what works for you. Atkins may be amazing for you, or you could not be able to give up carbs. Weight Watchers could be wonderful, but you don’t have time to count points and plan meals. Jenny Craig can be great, but you don’t have the money to purchase the meals to stay on it. It’s a personal decision, and what may have worked for one person may not for another. And honestly, it’s a full time JOB to do it right. I don’t have time, energy or money to sit and plan out my meals, grocery shop, and make healthy food all the time. The best I can do is eat Lean Cuisines, salads and South Beach wraps and hope for the best. It’s hard to be at work and not grab lunch with coworkers. And it’s hard to know what your schedule is going to be like and if you’ll have time to come home and make something good for you.

A recent article in the NYT also points to the neverending question of “nature vs. nurture”, in that genetics influence weight gain and body shape moreso than activity or eating habits. The study led to some interesting and surprising conclusions, including:

“…fat people who lost large amounts of weight might look like someone who was never fat, but they were very different. In fact, by every metabolic measurement, they seemed like people who were starving.”

“…subjects also had a psychiatric syndrome, called semi-starvation neurosis, which had been noticed before in people of normal weight who had been starved. They dreamed of food, they fantasized about food or about breaking their diet. They were anxious and depressed; some had thoughts of suicide. They secreted food in their rooms. And they binged.”

“…every one had physical and psychological signs of starvation. There were a very few who did not get fat again, but they made staying thin their life’s work, becoming Weight Watchers lecturers, for example, and, always, counting calories and maintaining themselves in a permanent state of starvation.”

“The implications were clear. There is a reason that fat people cannot stay thin after they diet and that thin people cannot stay fat when they force themselves to gain weight. The body’s metabolism speeds up or slows down to keep weight within a narrow range. Gain weight and the metabolism can as much as double; lose weight and it can slow to half its original speed.”

“The two major findings of this study were that there was a clear relation between the body-mass index of biologic parents and the weight class of adoptees, suggesting that genetic influences are important determinants of body fatness; and that there was no relation between the body-mass index of adoptive parents and the weight class of adoptees, suggesting that childhood family environment alone has little or no effect.”

“Those who doubt the power of basic drives, however, might note that although one can hold one’s breath, this conscious act is soon overcome by the compulsion to breathe. The feeling of hunger is intense and, if not as potent as the drive to breathe, is probably no less powerful than the drive to drink when one is thirsty. This is the feeling the obese must resist after they have lost a significant amount of weight.”

The funny thing is, that even when people lose weight, it doesn’t completely change who they are. Sure, they may become more confident, more aggressive, more desirable…but it’s not a cure-all. Just the same as gaining weight doesn’t totally change a person. If you lose or gain weight, it doesn’t mean that your debt will go away, that your relationships will be any better or worse, or that your career will be any different. It all comes down to how you feel inside, and how you present yourself. I admit, that slimmer, more attractive (and taller) people are scientifically shown to get more of a “break” in the professional world…but that doesn’t mean that the more average or overweight people are living unsatisfactory and unfulfilling lives. I know just as many unhappy, single, boring skinny people as I know amazing, married and exciting people who don’t have “perfect” bodies. It’s not a black and white issue.

I mean, in the end, it’s horrible that I spend so much of my time, energy and conversation thinking about and talking about this. If the biggest problem I have in my life is struggling with my weight (which has only been for the past few years), then I’m pretty lucky. Overall I’m a happy person and I enjoy my life, so maybe that’s why it’s harder for me to obsess and restrict myself, I enjoy good food and I enjoy social interaction (that usually involves food to me). Being somewhat overweight doesn’t make or break me as a person. And you know, if I died tomorrow, I doubt anybody would be like, “it’s too bad AM never lost that weight” or “so sad she never got skinny and hot like she wanted.” So, why do I worry about it so much?

I know that by publicly making a “resolution” or two, that I’m pretending to everyone that I’m really going to keep up my end (with myself I guess) of the bargain. Everyone can stand to improve in one way or another, whether it’s physically or personally/emotionally. I know there are a ton of things for me. I say them every year practically, and I don’t know why it’s so hard for me to just DO IT. Maybe this year will be it for me. The only thing I think I have successfully done in the past year or so is to eliminate soda from my diet. I still have one occasionally, but I don’t keep it around the house and drink it, or really drink it at work at all - even diet sodas.

I think the important thing is to not overwhelm yourself, and to take baby steps. Just like in What About Bob (a great movie by the way). So I’m going to take a big idea, tone it down, and hope that I get something positive out of it in the end. All of it is going to take willpower and commitment, and it’s really really hard to keep that up.

The overall goal in mind is: Take better care of myself.

1. Eat more fruits and vegetables. OK, so it’s more expensive to buy fresh fruits and vegetables than say, a box of crackers…but overall more nutritional value. And I LIKE fruit, I miss it. I need more of it in my life. I love berries I could live on them. I would much rather eat berries for dessert than chocolate cake.

2. Go out on more dates. So, most of my dates turn out to be blog fodder, and maybe I just need to accept that. But, I also need to expand my mind and broaden my horizons. I’m too picky, I know this. It’s probably largely why I’ve been single for so long. Too picky and too afraid of getting hurt, which is a bad combination. I tend to go for guys that look the same, act the same, and well, are the same. Although over the past year I have kind of gone “outside” of my “typical” mate, still nothing that really clicks. Maybe I need to stop worrying so much about looking for something perfect, and start looking for something that’s ME.

3. Go to the gym once a week. Then twice a week. Then three times a week. Well, this is the number one new year’s resolution, so that’s going to be a bitch to fight through the masses. But, ugh God. I’ve had a gym membership now for over a year, and obviously no good results have come from it. I’ll go once in a week, or three times in a week…then not go at all for another month. I actually don’t even mind going to the gym, it’s just the getting there part that is hard. Once I’m there, it’s fine, I do my thing and it doesn’t kill me. I just need to remember that. And also look to my friends and people I know that have lost 25 or 50 pounds in 6 months to a year. That could be me. I just have to keep telling myself that.

4. Try to save $5 a week. Maybe even $10. I need savings desperately. Living paycheck to paycheck and squeezing out the last $20 the last week is painful. Yeah I know I have bills to pay and an obscene amount of debt. And I can’t help it, I still need to have a life. I can go out and meet friends and not spend money sure, but it costs me in gas and (sometimes) parking and maybe cover charges. That doesn’t help my social life or my bank account. It’s hard to find a balance.

5. Cut down on going out to eat. I say this all the time, but it really will help contribute to number 1, 3 and 4. The amount of money I spend going out to eat is probably more than I expect it to be. I mean, it’s expensive to grocery shop and cook at home too. Eating healthy is expensive, which sucks. But, at least cutting down my one to two times a week Mexican food habit is bound to do something. I just hope I can quench the cravings. It’s also hard because to me, going out to eat is a social thing…it’s what I do. I have dinner dates with friends 2-3 times a week. I go out and grab lunch with people from work. It’s just what I do to wind down. So, maybe I need to find something else to do instead.

6. Swallow my medicine. I suck at taking medicine. I have horrible asthma, and am supposed to take Advair for it. I never do. Granted, my asthma is a lot better now than when I was younger, but I still have problems here and there, and when it gets bad, it sucks. I also am an awful pill taker. It practically makes me gag even to take those little birth control pills. I can’t take pills with water. I mean, what is that?!? Maybe I should start being a grown up and taking my medicine. I’m even going to start getting allergy shots again (already made the appointment) because hopefully that will also help my asthma. Whooo for being able to breathe!

7. Stop worrying and get back on the wagon. The hardest part about all of this stuff is worrying about it and thinking about it constantly, and knowing that if I fuck up, it’s OK and get over it and keep at it. It’s kind of like quitting smoking, or any other bad lifestyle habit…I guess you can say my bad lifestyle habit is not taking care of myself. So maybe now it’s time to step up and get with it. This is the only life and body and chance I’m ever going to get, so what am I sitting around waiting for?

Basically there will be lots of squeezing of my wallet and waistline, and maybe squeezing in a few dates in between. The Big Squeeze of 2007…deep breaths and baby steps…