I was thinking last night about relationships and life. I look around at other couples (ones I know and ones I don’t) and I think, how do they do it? There are so many of my friends who are still struggling, still seeking. We’re all searching for that perfect relationship, the one that we think will knock us off our feet. I guess the question is, is it real?

Have all these people found IT, and are done? Or are they just settling? Maybe that’s too cynical of me, but sometimes I look at people and think how do they do it? How does it work for them? What makes it different than what I have, or have had?

In my experience, the feeling of head over heels falling in love, crawling out of your skin crazy for them…isn’t always real. I think that love is much deeper than that. But, maybe I’m wrong. Maybe you should have that, and should always have that feeling about the one you’re supposed to be with. But to me, that head over heels feeling is more infatuation, it’s the other things (intimacy, commitment, understanding, openness, caring) that come into play that make it true love.

There are different types of love - and there are three components that should be there: intimacy, passion and commitment. Does every relationship that works have that? All the time, from the beginning? Is that the magic formula?

Various combinations of these components result in different kinds of love: (1) liking (intimacy), (2) infatuation (passion), (3) empty love (decision/commitment), (4) romantic love (intimacy and passion), (5) compassionate love (intimacy and decision/commitment), (6) fatuous love (passion and decision/commitment), (7) consummate love (which includes all three components - the best of all), and (9) non-love (the absence of any of the three components).

Aside from the relationship aspect, it’s just life in general I wonder about. I have friends that range from 26-36 who are still trying to figure out life. I’m not saying that there is a certain age limit to knowing what you want, and how to get it…or, getting it. I’m also not saying that people can’t change and grow and change directions of their life.

And I think, maybe sometimes, I’m not happy. Don’t get me wrong, my life is great. And I am lucky. But, certain things about my life and decisions I make seem to always drag me down. And, it’s up to me to change them. Right? I’m the only one with the control over my life, and what I can do. However, it’s hard for me to think for myself. I always ask opinions of friends, and I always end up wondering if I’m doing something for ME, or for someone else. Maybe that’s just immaturity on my part.

We all like to think that one day, it all comes together. It makes sense. Suddenly we’ll have all the answers. And maybe it’s just because I’m young that I’m feeling this way and thinking about this stuff. But, I wish I knew more.

Hah, and this was my horoscope today:

You are blessed with common sense now and you know what you are feeling and what to do about it. Your feelings are rather large today, and they might not fit appropriately into the narrow social context of your current life. If you’re not sure of exactly what’s going on, at least try not to react so strongly. Remember, a steady hand is better than a forceful one.

As we grow up, our tastes change. We learn to like (and love) different things, from food to types of music to various hobbies, and we learn to accept the things that we cannot change.

But through this evolution, how does love fit in? Can your definition of love change?

I think that we all have a base idea and concept of what love "is" or "should be" - and we certainly know it when we feel it. But, the love we feel when we’re 15 can be different than the love we feel at 25, or 30, or 40.

A long time ago I had a discussion with my (now) boyfriend about this subject. He asked me if I had loved my ex-boyfriend. I told him that I wasn’t sure, that I thought I did at the time, but now I didn’t know. That doesn’t mean that the feelings I had at the time were any less real, more that my personal idea of what love is has changed. For example, when you are 15, you may love someone because they are exactly like you…and when you’re 25 you may love someone because they are exactly opposite, and everything you are not.

It’s hard to really quantify or articulate why we love the people that we do. The reasons may be obscure, and honestly sometimes you just don’t really know, and you have to go with your gut feeling. Your head will eventually catch up to what your heart already knows.

The idea that your concept of love changes over time can be frightening, but also exciting. It’s negative when you think of it in the way that you could marry someone and then 3-5 or 10 years later determine that you really didn’t love them after all, but in a more positive idea, it’s good that we are able to determine that love is more than a black and white issue, it’s an exciting and evolving thought and feeling. Just when you think that you can’t possibly love someone more, you find that you do. Maybe it’s when you have a child together, or it’s when you stand by their side through something traumatic (say a terminal illness). But, I think that love in its pure form and ideal definition, can only get better.

According to studies, most men marry not necessarily when they have found the right woman, but when the TIMING is right. That said, it’s not necessarily the person that’s wrong, it’s the time. You could meet a wonderful person at age 22, be with them for four years, then decide that they are not right for you. Then, at age 30 meet someone that is similar to the amazing person you knew at 22, but this time you marry them. Why? Because YOU were ready.

A large majority (81 percent) of married men agree with the statement that "you decided to marry because it was the right time in your life to settle down."

It’s so easy to be skeptical about love and relationships, especially if you have been burned in the past. But, I think it’s reassuring to know that (if you have had a bad relationship past) love doesn’t always have to hurt, it doesn’t have to be hard, and it doesn’t have to stay the same. If you’re lucky, you’ll find someone who is able to go through the highs, lows, and questions with you.

Overall, I think that the definition and feeling of love does, and should change. Though in following that line of thinking, it makes it imperative that your partner feel the same way. I think that the best relationships come from people who not only share similar core values and beliefs, but those that are able to mature and grow together, in the same direction. I think that a good relationship should be with someone who not only understands and supports you, but makes you want to be a better person.

Well, everyone who reads this blog knows that I’m single. And that I have my ups and downs on whether or not I really want to dive into a relationship…I guess it’s just a matter of finding the right person.

But even through the many bad dates and relationships I’ve had - I was thinking there are some things I miss about being in a relationship. Even through the fights and fuss, and more than the steady movie/event date and obligatory gift giving. More than just the stability and comfort of the routine you fall into when you’re in a relationship. It’s the intimacy I miss, and the little things you don’t often think about as they happen…but remember when they’re gone.

Sometimes I think maybe I’ve become bitter from being single for so long…but then I still remember the good things, and it reminds me that I want it again someday…

• I miss the hellos and goodbyes. The smile and rush of happiness you feel when you see him after being away for a long time, and the comfort and reassurance of the last hug before he goes away.
• I miss getting all dressed up to go out with him. And feeling like a princess when he looks at me and tells me how beautiful I am.
  
• I miss the feel of his hand on the small of my back, safely guiding and guarding me through a crowd.
• I miss how perfectly you can fit into the crook of his neck, your head falling into place on his shoulder.
• I miss that he knows when I’m done eating, because I start picking at and playing with my food.
• I miss the little happy buzz of seeing his name in my phone when he calls.
  
• I miss him knowing just the right buttons to push to aggravate me, but not make me mad.
• I miss knowing that yep,at the end of the night I’m going home with him - and that’s all I want to do.
• I miss the feeling of him brushing the hair gently from my eyes.
• I miss waking up in the morning and him pulling me closer.
• I miss making love…and meaning it.
  
• I miss picking out goofy little cards and gifts to give him for no reason.
• I miss cooking dinner and baking cookies for him - cause he thinks it’s so amazing.
• I miss holding hands and other little PDAs.
  

Yes, it’s true. I may be a smartass and a sassy, scandalous single gal, but deep down I’m just a hopeless romantic.