I’ve decided that I have a problem, so bad I would probably call it an addiction. (Not a new revelation, but still.) It’s not alcohol, and it’s only sometimes food. It’s shopping. I have a severe shopping problem. I can go for weeks without buying anything, and then sometimes, if left alone to my own devices, I go a little crazy. It’s like I can’t stop.

Case in point this past weekend where I was alone out shopping for a white dress for an all white party…but ended up with a lot more. I spent (and by spent, I mean charged) an obscene amount of money. I won’t disclose the full amount, but let’s just say from Saturday to Tuesday I bought 2 pairs of shoes, 3 dresses, 3 or 4 shirts, 2 sweaters, 3 Vera Bradley bags, a few presents for my mom, Aunt and Grandma, Chanel No. 5 perfume, cologne for my boy, and the worst of all, a David Yurman ring. I shopped at Nine West, Ann Taylor, White House Black Market, Cusp (very expensive boutique I love), another boutique, Sephora, and Bailey Banks & Biddle. And this isn’t the first time.

A binge is defined as: “a period of unrestrained, immoderate self-indulgence.” That is one way of looking at it. I am completely out of control, and I know it. I mean, my bills get paid each month, eventually - but at the same time it leaves me cash poor and broke, relying on credit cards to live. It has to stop. And, I keep trying…consolidating cards to 0% interest, paying off what I can when I get extra money. But, I know it’s not enough. I have car payments, computer (Dell) payments, Lasik payments, 3 credit cards, cell phone and rent/utilities, and a hefty loan payment (from other consolidation). It’s mind boggling. I need to go on the great American debt diet. I need to re-examine my priorities. I’m drowning in debt and I’m the only one who can stop it.

The thing with addictions are, that they become a hard habit to break. I literally have a positive physical reaction to shopping and being in a mall/store. I am happier, I feel elated when my arms are full of bags and I have new fun items I have been coveting. I like to look good, to feel good, and to have nice things. I have expensive tastes. I like it when my nails are manicured (french), I have pretty rings on my hands, and my clothes are well made and luxurious. Not only do I like to look good, but I like to smell good, wearing expensive perfume and high end makeup. My closet is ridiculous, and the amount of shoes and bags I have. I have trash bags full of clothes that I don’t wear anymore - some to donate, some just sitting. I have to transfer out clothes to fight for hanger space.

It’s shameful really, all of it. And, I know it. But I can’t stop. I cut up cards, I transfer balances, I pay off what I can - but it’s never enough. And then, I go buy more. And more. And I feel good about it. Until the bills come.

UPDATE: I got an automated phone call from my credit card company to verify some purchases, I’ve spent so much they thought it was stolen.

So many good things happening right now…and I couldn’t be happier. First off, since I started doing Jenny Craig about 6 weeks ago, I have now lost 10 lbs. and 2 inches all around (for a total of 8 inches, bust, waist, abdomen, hips). It’s funny I don’t really feel all that much skinnier, but I am I guess. My goal is to lose about 20 lbs. by my birthday in October - so I think that is an achievable goal. Then from there we will see, I definitely have more I can lose after that.

In other news, I think I may have a new job coming up…one I’m really excited about. OK, so I’ve only been at my current place about 7 months - but this other job is a lot more interesting and gives me the opportunity to really get into some things that I like. More to come on that…

And, finally, I have a new man in my life. I won’t say much, cause I don’t really blog about things I really care about (as they happen that is), and, he reads this blog (though I don’t think very often)…but I will say that things are moving along nicely (and slowly, which is good) and I’m very happy. I’ve been friends with him for awhile, and somehow in those days of literally talking 7 hours a day, it all of a sudden just kind of changed. But, he is everything I’ve ever wanted…and things are just very easy and natural. No drama, no wondering what he thinks or worrying about what I’m doing or what I think. We really just get each other, and understand each other… and have a lot of fun together. It just feels right.

Anyway, I feel like I’ve finally grown up and things are coming together for me. And, I’m finally finding some peace with myself and the decisions I’ve made (and continue to make) in my life. So, cheers to that!

I was thinking today how it’s a little absurd just how much we (Americans) spend on beauty per year. As I was driving from my Lasik consultation appointment (where they shuffle people in and out in herds)…I considered how much money was in that industry. It’s not really a NECESSARY procedure, but people get it who have low prescriptions of negative 2 or negative 3. Then there is me who is practically blind at negative 9 and 10.

The thought of spending $2,400 on laser vision correction (that would be really nice and help me out a lot), combined with my recent Jenny Craig membership and food cost (averaging $100-$150 per week)…makes me wonder if all of this is really worth it.

And it’s not just me, factor into the American beauty money pit, those services that many people get such as teeth whitening, botox treatments, chemical peels, tanning (fake and bake packages) massages (to refresh the body), personal trainers, etc…, even liposuction. Then you add in getting braces and even shopping for high heels and Spanx (women), hair gel and hair transplants (men), and other things to improve what you look like in any little way possible.

Consider this, in a given year I spend probably:

$240 - eyebrow threading/waxing (averaging about $10, sometimes $12 per time, every two weeks give or take)

$500 - manicures and pedicures (average $40 a month for both, with a few other manicures in between)

$420 - gym membership (at $35 per month - which I just canceled recently since I have a mini-gym in my complex)

$360 - contact lenses (I have to get daily wear lenses now, say at $30 per box/month supply)

$150 - makeup (an assortment of new eyeshadows, lipsticks, my regular supply of eyeliner and blush)

$1,670 total a year just on maintenance!

So, what does all this mean - other than we’re obsessed with appearance?

Well to me, it’s worth it because when I’m freshly waxed, manicured and dressed well, I feel better. I feel more confident, prettier and have a better sense of self worth. And, isn’t that worth it?

Then again it’s horrible to think about how much money I spend on things like that, when there are people in the world (and this country) who can’t afford to eat. And it starts young, maintaining this. Think about it, we put all our kids in braces, send them to fat camps, and provide them with allergists, therapists, dermatologists, nutritionists and dozens of other specialty doctors…while other children can’t even eat or see a doctor when they’re sick (nevermind when they’re well). It’s a bit disconcerting.

I’m not saying I’m going to suddenly go from a life of luxury to a life of simplicity…but I am a little more aware of just how much it all costs to keep it all together.

So, I was driving through the city along 14th Street yesterday, and through the sweltering heat I saw many young men trudging along to or from the metro, long sleeved shirt, loosened tie with shoulders slumped and defeated and a suit jacket flung above the shoulder…and I thought to myself…poor guy, I’m glad I can wear short sleeves and skirts if I want to. The heat and humidity in DC can be downright oppressive. On the other hand, I did see a finely toned and extremely tan gentleman running on the mall, with sweat glistening over his taut arms and stomach…and I thought to myself…God bless this heat.

You know how sometimes you have these dreams, and you wake up and think what the fuck, how did that random person get into my dream? Why was I dreaming about hanging out with my second grade teacher, my cousin’s boyfriend’s sister, the guy I met at the bar last week, and my seventh grade crush? Then, it made me think…do I show up in random people’s dreams? Am I the offensive random person that makes you question just how much you were thinking about me, or how and why your subconsiousness decided to let me participate in a dream - good or bad?

Also on a more serious note, in my mid-twenties, is it normal to feel so…behind the curve? I mean, there are people that I graduated college with who are buying houses (alone!), getting married, and some are having kids. I can barely afford my rent, am still drowning in debt, and haven’t had a real decent date in 9 months (and even then decent is putting it nicely). I have friends who are managers, who have their own offices, and who genuinely love what they do. I still can’t figure out what I’m doing or if I even like it, and if I don’t like it, I still don’t know what I will do next. Does all of this mean I’m somehow on my way to being socially inept? Am I not stepping up to the plate, reaching my full potential and being aggressive enough about my future? Maybe I’m too passive in just trying to enjoy life and get by, perhaps I should be reaching and striving for something more. Maybe I’ve lost the drive, the hunger.

And, speaking of hunger…I’m on the first week of my new diet. I’ll be honest, I wasn’t going to blog about it, because I didn’t want to share with the world and open myself up to more criticism…but then I decided to be honest about it, and maybe I’ll help other people who are struggling. So, anyway, I decided to start Jenny Craig. Yes, the D-list celebrity diet featuring Kirstie Alley and Valerie Bertinelli (who? right). It’s actually not that bad, and hopefully it will give me the little boost I need to keep going on my own. It’s a pretty easy system, and although it costs a lot (about $100-$150 a week), it’s worth it to provide me with something I don’t have to think about. Basically they give you a breakfast, lunch and dinner (maybe a snack) and then you supplement your own salad, vegetables, fruits and yogurt/milk. My best friend is actually doing it with me, so that helps in that we can share our thoughts on it and actually last night we even got together to hang out and eat the food together, so we wouldn’t be tempted to go out to eat.

I did feel kind of like a loser signing up, because I think there is some stigma to going on something like this, as opposed to saying you’re doing Weight Watchers or something of the sort. It’s like admitting I couldn’t do it alone. But you know what, I couldn’t. Even though I KNOW what to eat, what to buy, what to fix…it was hard for me to get into a routine and be disciplined enough to stick to it. But now, paying for this…I don’t have to think about it, and I’m more likely to stick with it since I am paying so much for it. I don’t have to count points, to plan meals, to cook chicken and vegetables, and weigh my food. Call it the lazy person’s diet, but it works. In theory, it should help me learn to eat more (6 times a day), eat complex foods (not just eating crackers, soup, cereal and salad as most of my other “diets” have gone), and portion control. I need to be able to manage what I eat in the long run, so that I can keep the weight off that I lose, instead of gaining it back and then some. I think the tipping point for me was getting on the scale the other day, and realizing that I’m out of control. No matter what I do, the numbers are not going down, and my yo-yo dieting and weight loss and subsequent gain times two haven’t been helping the cause. I know I’m never going to be a size 2, or maybe even 4. But, I would like to get back to where I was even in 2004, which wasn’t my ideal weight then, but is certainly better than where I have ended up. I need to just find the happy medium where I feel OK, and realize that I’m never going to be perfect, and never going to be that size 2, and accept that. So, here’s to new beginnings, and let’s hope the start of something good.

Yesterday I participated in my first ever Race for the Cure. Thanks to some awesome organization from another asian girl, my team raised over $5,000 and included 50 some registered team members. I even raised $325!

Friday night I spent the night in Dupont at my friend A’s house (who also did the race with me), and after staying up until 2 am talking and watching Little Children (which was a great movie, but the book was better)…we dragged our asses out of bed at 6 am to head down to the mall.

When I arrived, I was suprised at how much it affected me. Through this whole time I knew I was doing this for a reason, but I never expected to feel the way I did when I saw all of the people walking with names on their backs in honor or remembrance of loved ones who battled breast cancer and maybe died. It made me think about how lucky I have been, and my family and friends…and it was amazing to see everyone out there, even if it was just for fun like me.

Considering that I have known I was going to do this race since March, I should have been in good shape to walk or jog it. Of course, that would also be assuming I worked out like I was supposed to and stretched (my muscles are very tight in my legs and hips and they hinder me walking long distances - I’ve worked out with two trainers and am supposed to be stretching it out, but yeah…I fail). On that note, I’m sore as hell today, I can barely walk. But it feels good you know, that I did it.

We started the race halfway through the runners start, we watched them run by and thought they weren’t going that fast, so we should run for a bit. Well, I made it about a block before I was like, nope…can’t run. My friend A went on ahead without me, and I walked the rest of the way (except for random bursts of jogging and the last block which I tried to jog through the walkers to end on an even time). I managed about 20 minute miles (I usually do about 15 minute ones so that isn’t too bad I guess) and finished in an hour. I figure that isn’t too bad for my first 5k and for not working out in over two weeks. Anyway, it feels good though, and I don’t mind the soreness. Now that I’ve done it, it makes me more excited about doing it next year, and cutting my time down to 45 minutes jogging or so. I know I can do it now, so it gives me a lot more inspiration and incentive for next year.