Hmmm… this is kind of fun…try one for yourself! It’s funny how one picture gives me a lot of asian matches and another picture doesn’t!

(Click on image to make it bigger)

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Even though it’s rainy and gross out, I’m happy because it feels sooo good to be cool and I even broke out a cute sweater (a thin one but still).

I hope everyone has a great Labor Day weekend…it sucks I probably won’t be able to spend it catching those last rays of sun by the pool…

I am not motivated to work today…it feels like (as Leaf said to me earlier) it’s the last day of school. I’m just antsy and can’t concentrate. Get me outta here!!!!!!

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In the September issue of Washingtonian magazine, there is a story about the relationship between fathers and (grown) daughters. I was interviewed for that months ago, and it’s finally been printed. I filled out a survey online and then received a phone call asking asking for an in person interview. Although I asked that my real name not be used, I could tell what portions were my story. It was a great article and I enjoyed being a part of it.

People ask me sometimes how come I don’t use my real name when I blog, or for certain situations like that article. They point out the fact that I have accounts on MySpace, Facebook, and Friendster – which has my information all over it…but that I don’t want my real name used for something like an article or on my blog. Perhaps they have a point.

But the reason I never have my real name on my blog is because I don’t want it to ever be traced back to me. Especially from a professional standpoint. I mean, unless I start getting paid to blog (haha), I’m not giving up my privacy. (Besides, enough of you know all too much about the “real” me!) I don’t want future jobs to be able to Google my name and come up with a blog I wrote about my sex life or what I look for in a man. Yeah, no thanks.

A good benefit to blogging (at least for me) IS the anonymity. You don’t have to worry about what you say and who you may be offending. And, if you do offend someone, who cares because they don’t really know you.

I guess it does kind of suck, when I’m occasionally mentioned on DC Blogs or even the Express, to not be able to share it with everyone. Sometimes it does make me wish that my real name was attached with my writing. But, I know it’s for the best that it’s not.

What are your reasons for or against using your real name?

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Lately I’ve been thinking about how my life is one big balancing act. I feel like I’m in between a lot of things and various extremes. Being satisfied and being miserable with my job, liking and disliking being single, being fat and getting skinny, being poor and being OK financially, and just being happy and unhappy in general; based on all of the aforementioned factors.

I’m not sure if I’m being overdramatic, maybe I am…but I just feel like I can’t win. I have the great ability to see almost every situation from both sides – so with every decision I make to make a change in my life, I see the benefits and the drawbacks. Change can be a good thing, it can be refreshing, exciting, and even a life altering experience. But, there is also something to be said for remaining loyal – to yourself, to your loved ones, and to other factors in your life that have proven to be good for you.

I’ve found it hard to concentrate lately, and hard to pinpoint exactly what it is that I feel like I want, or need, or what I’m lacking (if anything). It’s hard to tell if it’s a problem that can be fixed, or if it’s something deep inside of me that I need to evaluate and examine. It’s not that I’m necessarily in a funk, I know when I’m down and depressed – it’s more like I’m at a reflective stage, but not quite sure what my reflection is showing. Again, maybe I’m just being overdramatic.

Hopefully though, all will reveal itself in time – although I don’t always know what’s going to happen and can’t control everything that I want to…I do believe that most everything happens for a reason – and have this blind faith and optimism that whatever happens will be for the best.

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I need to lose weight.

I went to the gym today with my roommate. I did about 30 minutes of the elliptical and bike, then stretched. I was surprised I can still (almost) do splits. What can I say, I’m naturally stretchy.

But anyway, that’s the first time in months I’ve been. I need to go more often. I think my roommate might motivate me. She is having some issues with her joints, which limits her ability. Her handicap is my help, since that puts us at basically the same skill level. Actually, she is one of the few people I appreciate in my struggle. Although she is a slender size 2, and probably always will be, she supports me and never makes me feel bad about what I look like. She’s not one of the people who says “oh, losing weight is easy!” or tells me what I should do and gives me unwanted advice. My best friend helps me as well because she too struggles with it (don’t think I forgot about you life partner!). My parents try to help because they know I struggle with it. My dad even offered to buy me a new computer if I lost 20 pounds. Seems fucked up I know, but he was just trying to help me.

I’ve been struggling for some time with this issue. Why can’t I just DO IT? Why is it so hard for me? I know exactly what I need to do.

I hate it when people give me advice. (So, please don’t leave comments on what to do.) I know what I need, I just don’t do it. It’s a VERY touchy subject for me. When people start giving me advice on what to do, I generally tune them out. Yes I know, cut carbs, increase protein, eat many small meals, drink lots of water, exercise at least 30 minutes 3 times a week, eat breakfast, watch your sugar intake, increase fruits and vegetables.

I think it’s such a touchy subject for me, because for years, my ex-boyfriend told me I was fat. The funny thing is, when I was with him, I wasn’t really fat. He just wanted me to be thinner. So, I have sort of become a self fulfilling prophecy. Through crash dieting, yo-yo dieting, and general self esteem issues stemming from my relationship with him…I did become fat. Of course, I can’t completely blame it on him, but I can certainly blame some of my complexes on him. I remember one time, towards the end, he told me that he didn’t like having sex with me anymore because my body disgusted him and he didn’t like running his hands over it anymore. I cried, yet I still continued to sleep with him. Stupid, huh?

I guess the start of me seriously thinking about all of this again, was that a good friend of mine told me recently, “you’re hot now, think of how hot you’ll be at a size 4.”

I almost cried.

There’s just something holding me back.

I think it’s a couple of issues.

1. I think most of all, it’s a defense mechanism. I guess now I can say, “well, guys don’t like me because I’m fat.” But in reality, maybe I worry what if they don’t like me even when I’m skinny? I used to get hit on a lot more when I went out. Not that I don’t now, but it’s definitely not as much. This way I have a reason in my head why that guy doesn’t like me, and it’s an external problem not an internal flaw.

2. I’m afraid what if I start, and I don’t lose weight? I know of course that’s stupid, since when I do cut my diet and do even a little bit of exercise, I generally lose. I guess I’m worried that I will fail, so I don’t even want to try. It’s an overwhelming task. I would like to lose over 30 pounds. That’s a hell of a lot.

3. I think it frustrates me that I can’t do it. It being, exercise for a long period of time. I can at most do about 15 minutes and/or 1-2 miles. My calf muscles burn and my knees hurt. I should probably stretch beforehand to help that. My body just isn’t used to being active, since I never was when I was younger due to bad asthma. I didn’t grow up playing soccer and such. The most I ever did was dance.

There is no excuse for me not to do this. I’m at a good point in my life, it can do nothing but enhance what I have and make me happier. If I think about it, I can be skinny next year at this time. I can wear the clothes I want to wear. I won’t have to cut my stomach out of pictures. I can walk into a room with my head held high. I can look at the boys who I have liked and who didn’t like me and say “eat your heart out.” I can not worry about what people think of me. I can stop comparing myself to every girl I see.

I can finally, be comfortable in my own skin.

I just don’t know if I can finally, after years of bitching, make myself just do it.

I know I’m a good person, and I’m fabulous just the way I am. I just know that I could be happier if I was smaller.

Some pictures of what I would like to get back to.
No size 2, but definitely better than what I am now.

Me junior year of college

Some pictures of me now

Nobody can push me to do this, it’s just something I need to be able to do on my own, for myself.

Hopefully this time, I’m moving closer to my goal, and I will finally get it together.

As with my other change…only time will tell.

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