Recently, there have been some really disturbing stories in the news dealing with domestic violence.

Two young girls, brutally murdered. One by the man who raped her, and the other from a jilted lover. One had her throat slashed and died from those wounds, the other was strangled, dismembered and finally burned - on a tiny grill over two days. And then of course there is the recent case of Tara Lynn Grant, who was also dismembered by her husband.

It’s horrifying that these stories have all surfaced over the past month, and even worse the idea that there are so many more that we don’t hear about. Maybe it’s just another “domestic violence” story, because I feel like if any other college student or person had had this atrocity happen to them, it would have been an even bigger news piece. More in depth talk of a serial killer, of an abused childhood, inside the mind of a psycho. But, instead it’s just another off kilter killing, an angry ex-lover, a husband who went over the edge, and an accuser who had to be silenced.

Domestic violence i s one thing that goes begond socio-economic, racial, and cultural divides. It doesn’t matter where you’re from or where you’ve been. Most women that are victims of homicide, especially violent ones, are killed at the hands of a lover.

Makes you think twice about your relationships, doesn’t it?

I have noticed lately that in the workplace, women get asked questions that men never do. Questions such as, “are you more career-oriented or family-oriented” and “How to you plan to manage work and family life?” If you are a man and have ever been asked this question in a corporate setting (interview or otherwise), then please, let me know. If my assumptions are correct, then it is still women that are being asked these kinds of questions and NOT men. How does that work, in this day and age of “equality” in the workplace?

I’ve written before about feminism and glass ceilings in the workplace, but this is a little bit different. To me, it’s a low blow. I am offended if people ask me those kinds of questions, because it second guesses me and if I will be able to do my job or not. Also because, at this point in my life, I’m not sure. I don’t know when I’m going to get married or have children, or what I will want to do with my career at that point. And, why should I have to know that now? Why is that relevant now for the next say, two or three years? Sure, maybe someone got burned before by a woman who left a position because she got married, or got pregnant. But, is that any different than a man leaving for the same reason? His wife is moving, or they decided that he would stay home with the children. No, but I am willing to bet that a man would never get asked about his intentions to mix work and family obligations and how he planned to tackle that. I know plenty of women who have considered this, but how many men out there have?

There was an article recently that highlighted the issue of a lack of women in boardrooms across the country. I agree that still, there is a problem in that women are not properly groomed and trained to be good executives. It’s hard for women to find good role models, and also be given the opportunity to really know how to properly balance that work and family life. There is the school of thought that a woman who is too career minded cannot properly care for her family, and also the idea that a woman who stays home is degrading herself by not “really” working (though ask anyone who does it, and being a homemaker is not sitting around eating bon-bons all day either) and contributing to setting women the women’s movement back.

All of this leads me to wonder, what am I going to do? How are the choices I make now changing (or reversing) choices that my mother made? And how are they going to affect my daughters?

So I’ve come to the conclusion that a whole lot of the 20-somethings (and others) I know have one main issue…they don’t know how to date. There’s a definite problem and a shift in social standards with regards to dating.

My mom always says that since we all grew up with “group” dates and “casual” dates, that we don’t really know how to court in the traditional sense. There are probably millions of us running around confused, not knowing what to do, how to act, or what really defines a relationship. Sure, there are also millions of happily married and coupled people, who didn’t have the problem of an uncertain beginning. But, this is for the rest of us.

I think a lot of it stems from all of the stupid dating books, advice in magazines and blogs, and just general media speculation. Women think that life and love should be like an episode of Sex & the City, while men actually fear that women will be like that.

This train of thought was sparked by a conversation with a friend, where I was lamenting the fact that some recent dates had been at the guy’s house or at mine, rather than out at dinner or a movie or some other date-like event (have not slept together though). While I didn’t mind, I found myself saying, “I mean, what’s my problem? Who says that dating has to be all about wining and dining anyway? It doesn’t have to be. Just hanging out is fine. I did that in college with people I ‘dated’ so why does it need to be different now?”

She responded by saying that it’s sad that so many girls our age think that, that they don’t DESERVE to be taken out on a “real” date (whether the guy pays or not) and that it all just boils down to glorified hooking up, where maybe eventually it turns INTO a relationship. Instead of starting out with the thought of dating, it becomes something that evolves over time, stemming from often confusing semantics and situations. Neither men or women ever want to be the one to declare the status of “hanging out”, and there are so many terms for casual dating, that it’s hard to even tell if you’re actually dating.

What happened to actually getting to know a person? To wanting to impress them? Men and women are quick now to judge and dismiss, or to stay in relationships that neither of them are really that into, but deal with because it’s there. I’m not saying that there aren’t people out there who “date” in the traditional sense, but I find it increasingly harder to find. Suddenly the romantic notions of dating and relating have turned into whirlwind romances with never-ending drama and confusion. There are no more big gestures like standing outside with a radio blasting In Your Eyes.

Maybe I’m making it too hard, and thinking about it too much. And I need to just go with it. But, I feel like when someone really likes you, then you KNOW…and that women my age spend entirely too much time wasted on men who are NOT there. They are not really available, not really into them, and not really ready. But, still we analyze and try and make excuses. WHY?

There is something to be said for being a strong woman, and there are a lot of girls I know who look to say, Carrie Bradshaw and think that’s the way it should be. Um, can we please discuss the fact that she stayed in a relationship with a man who dangled her around for years, got married, cheated on his wife with her, and then FINALLY decided he was ready to be with her. Gee, we can all hope for that. Or even Meredith on Grey’s Anatomy, she is still going for the man who may or may not be ready to be with her. She chose the hard route (Dr. McDreamy) over the easier one (McVet).

Sure, these women are just figures on TV, but it’s all a reflection of society. I can’t even begin to count the numbers of women I see that are just passing by, dating duds and letting it happen. Then bitching about not finding a good man.

I think that everyone is too busy, too self-centered, and too worried about playing by the “rules” or playing the “game” to even know what they want, or how to get it. There are all these ways to communicate with one another, and yet people just aren’t communicating. You can have email, instant message, text message, and phone calls…but yet still not be able to talk to someone face to face. People are getting married later and later, and while I do think that it’s good to take the time to get to know yourself, and to be on your own…what do you do when you’re stuck in your ways and are less likely to compromise?

I worry about future generations, how are they going to act when it comes to dating. It almost makes me wish for the days of the past, where the man picked the girl up, they went to dinner or a movie, eventually they were “going steady” and then maybe, they would get engaged and married. There was structure, and there were rules. Now it seems, anything goes. But, it all seems to be going nowhere.

I just read an interview in Cosmo where Katherine Heigl said the following, “…I’m not a saint, but I’ve learned my lessons about this sort of thing, and it’s not emotionally healthy for me to sleep around. I’ve definitely been with people I probably didn’t love, and I always felt really vulnerable in those situations.”

I do agree with that, and know that putting yourself in a not so desirable situation can leave you more susceptible to an unhealthy “relationship” and lowering your standards. But, I can also see another side of that. I feel a whole lot more vulnerable when I first start sleeping with someone that I really like, there is more at stake.

Maybe it’s because when you go into something knowing it’s just a hook up and nothing more, then you really have nothing to lose. But when it’s a relationship or something that’s REAL…then there is a lot more at stake. And to me, that makes me more vulnerable, and less likely to rush into anything. I know that sometimes in love you have to take a risk…so maybe that’s really all it is, letting yourself just go. But I know that when I really like someone, I’m less likely to give more of myself up (sexually or emotionally) because I need more time to evaluate the situation. Sure I don’t totally block myself off and put up walls, and I’m not a prude…but I’m just a little more careful about what I let myself do and say.

So, which is worse? Is it worse to be more vulnerable in a situation that you know is unhealthy and bad (as in a hook up only type of thing), or worse to feel more vulnerable when you’re really putting something into a potential relationship?

I’ve come to realize I have an unfortunate addiction. No, it’s not an item, food, or even men or sex. It’s worse. I’m addicted to advice.

I’ve realized that in the beginning of every relationship I have, or through many of the large decisions I make in life, I overshare and constantly seek out advice from my friends. And now, from blogs. I read blogs and decide which ones relate to my life, and read the comments people leave with various (good or bad) advice. I have my own blogs that I write asking for opinions or advice that I take to heart. (And yes, even this one counts - although it’s not really asking a question.)

Maybe the need to hear what other’s think is some kind of approval method for me, that if others think something is OK, then it must be. Done and done. Maybe it’s just initial insecurity with a new relationship that needs to be reassured. But in reality, nobody can really know a situation unless they are right in the middle of it. Nobody can understand your fight with your friend other than you and that friend - because you were there, you know the person, and you understand how they think. Same with relationships. We can all take whatever advice from friends and loved ones about what our significant other may be thinking or the motives for their actions…but really the only person who knows the truth is you (maybe) and them.

Of course there comes a point with advice where you know you should take it, but you don’t. Often I’m told that I will ask around but then still end up doing what I want anyway. And that’s just the way I am and I realize that. Maybe we just ask until we get the answer that we want to hear, or the answer that we think we’re looking for.

Then there is the fact that sometimes people can tell you something over and over, but you still don’t get it. You don’t want to. Like my last relationship, people told me over and over that he wasn’t good for me…and it took me being done with it and kicking myself in the ass to get over it. I stopped when I was done. I’m not saying it was a good decision, but it was something I had to do on my own.

I know I’m not the only one out there with this addiction. Some people may call it a cry for attention, but I don’t think that’s it. As I said it’s more of an approval thing, but even so - I usually do what I want regardless of what others say. And, if I really care about something, I don’t usually blog it or share it. Sometimes not even with my closest friends. But, at some point I will ask around for opinions and advice, and I will try to figure it out with a little help from my friends. Is this a healthy pattern of behavior? Maybe, maybe not. But, I’ve realized it’s how I operate, and I’m not quite sure if I need to stop.

*Post title an ode to Brit-Brit…maybe she’ll make a Fed-Ex comeback. We can only hope.