So, I have this ex-boyfriend who is now married. I’ve discussed him before, and we remain good friends. We don’t get to talk that much anymore, but we’re still on good terms. He and his wife have had a lot of problems over the past couple years (mostly because she was 17 when they got married and she is immature, and total trailer trash besides that) and I’ve helped him through it - just by being an outside person to vent to.

Anyway, on Friday night/Saturday morning I came home to a message on Myspace that seemingly came from him, only I know it didn’t. This is what it said:

I was woundering if you could send me your number so we could talk hope to hear from you soon.
Love Always B

Now, first of all, he would never write me something that retarded. Second of all, he would never misspell the word “wondering.”

I knew something was up so I emailed his Army email and let him know that I got that message, and that I didn’t think it was from him.

I came home on Saturday to an IM from him which said that he was sorry he had to write me that message and that she was standing over his shoulder and made him write it. It also said something about “please reply and just say something about how you’re sorry and would never disrespect me or A (”A” is his wife), and it won’t happen again. Because she will see it. Good job recognizing I didn’t send the first message.”

So, I logged into Myspace and saw what he meant…

AM,
That last message was sent by A. She was rightfully upset about the content and volume of your messages and comments. They were inappropriate, considering I am a married man. They were largely the reason why I removed all of the females from my friends list previously. Then when I sent everyone friend requests again you sent me the one message about playing halo. At the end of the message you put something along the lines of “Have a good one baby! MUAH!” After that I believe I sent you a message telling you to tone everything down and you have done so in your comments. They, however, are still flirtatious in nature and whatever happened between us in the past is, well…in the past. I know we have known each other for a little over 10 years now and because of that you should have enough respect for me and my wife. I perceive the way you talk as the way I’ve always heard you talk and when I was single, it was harmless. I believe that it is still harmless. However, it is an unnecessary nuisance for me or A to have to deal with wondering what your intentions are. In the military, perception is reality and most of my friends on myspace are people I work with or have worked with and they know my wife. So if they see something like that then they might get the wrong impression and that may lower their respect for me. So…for now you will remain on my friends list but I ask you as a friend to keep your comments to yourself or else I will just have to stop talking to you altogether. I’m sorry I wasn’t more explicit with my instructions to you before but I didn’t expect your flirtatious personality to keep getting the best of you. Hopefully we won’t have any more problems in the future.
Later,
B

Now, please tell me that is not a hilarious piece of shit. In fact I think the whole thing is a little insulting and kind of offensive. I think my favorite parts include the idea about perceptions and being in the military, followed by my “flirtatious personality” getting the best of me, even though he believes it to be harmless. Oh, and also the whole idea that apparently I still want him after 10 years (which was, as he said, in the past), by writing a stupid comment that I would have left on anyone’s page - including a girl’s! Let’s also point out the fact that the comment he referenced (with the MUAH) was left in MAY, on his birthday. And since then have only left two messages, dumb ones at that - talking about playing Halo! I also enjoy the fact that he admitted that she made him take all of his female friends off his friends list (which is true) and the fact that I should “follow instructions” if I want to remain his friend.

This, is further proof as to why girls can be stupid psycho bitches, and why you shouldn’t be 24 and married to some girl who is barely 19. Now, I understand if I really had been a severe threat or even wanted him in some way…but seriously she has no reason to even bitch about me at all. Anyway, I thought the whole situation was funny and wanted to share the laughs.

I’m not sure which is worse…the fact that she “made” him write that to me, or that fact that he did it. In any case, I didn’t respond, and I’ll just wait until he can get online and IM me and we can talk. I feel like yes, our little relationship was 10 years ago in 9th grade…but I don’t feel that to continue our friendship we should have to revert back to 9th grade behavior.

Maybe when he grows up and grows some balls then we can be friends again.

According to the Census Bureau, over half of U.S. households are not legally married. This means that the majority of people living in the U.S. are either single or cohabiting.

Now, to me this news is a little scary. It means that as of now, people are choosing to be alone and not raise families as a “traditional” family unit. Does this mean that society is shifting and maybe what was once “traditional” will no longer be so?

According to the article,

“…He predicted that cohabitation and temporary relationships between people were likely to dominate America’s social landscape for years to come.

‘Overall, what I see is a situation in which people — especially children — will be much more isolated, because not only will their parents both be working, but they’ll have fewer siblings, fewer cousins, fewer aunts and uncles,” the scholar argued. “So over time, we’re moving towards a much more individualistic society…’”

Personally, I come from a small family. I’m an only child, and I have no cousins. When my grandparents, aunts and uncles, and parents are gone…then it’s just me. I get it all. It’s kind of sad actually.

I love big familes. A dealbreaker relationship for me is someone else who is an only child. All of my closest female friends come from “huge, messy, tons of cousins” type families. I love that and all of the drama and excitement that comes with it. Because with the hardship, comes the love, and the togetherness. I am always spending time with my friends and their families, I am even close with extended members and hang out on holidays. As much as I love my parents, I find it kind of depressing and boring to be just with them on holidays and such, so I want to have that big group when I have my own family.

I think that 30 million single men and women is a problem. In addition to that, there are 14 million single mothers compared to 5 million single fathers. Maybe both sexes are being too picky in what they are looking for in a mate, resulting in learning to live comfortably alone, and not being willing to compromise. I’m not one for compromising self or losing track of your own values and beliefs, but sometimes you have to give a little to get a little.

Maybe people are given too many options and cling to the idea that a relationship is only temporary, and there will always be something else just around the corner. Maybe people get comfortable and just don’t want to rock the boat with the formality of marriage. I remember one girl I knew in elementary school, and her mom lived with her boyfriend of 10 years. TEN years! At that point, what’s stopping you? Marriage may just be a “legal” thing to some people, but when it comes down to it, it is at the bare minimum a necessity for your family should anything happen to your significant other.

It’s sad that I have so many friends age 24-28 who are scared they will never get married. They will never find the right time, or the right person, or be in that perfect place in life where it all seems to fall together. And, given the statistics in the article regarding the slight shift in the makeup of our nation’s households…maybe we’re all right to be scared of what the future does (or doesn’t) hold.

…Searching for a job. Or, rather, searching for a job is like dating.

No, really, it is…

1. Not gonna leave unless it’s something really good. With most jobs, if you’re comfortable, you’re not likely to leave unless something amazing comes along. You may look around to see what else is out there, see what the market looks like. But there is no fire under your ass to get out there and get going. Similarly, if you’re comfortable with the single life, why would you give up that freedom to be chained down to someone for the unforseeable future? Do you really want to give up your Saturday night out with the boys to sit and watch chick flicks? Or do girls want to give up the comfort of not caring if you’re wearing granny panties or cute underwear in exchange for being in a relationship? Eh, only for something really, really good. Or, if you’re already in a relationship, the same rule applies…you can check out what the market looks like, but if you’re really happy then you’re not going to leave unless a new and better model comes along.

2. You don’t want to seem too desperate. After you interview somewhere that you’re really interested in, sometimes you’re struck with the desire to stalk down the recruiter/employer so they know that you’re REALLY REALLY interested and how GREAT you would be for the position. It could be due to a once in a lifetime opportunity, or simply because you just want to get the hell out of your current job. With dating, you of course don’t want to seem to eager or desperate. You carefully time your calls and emails, and make sure you don’t inundate the other person, that is, unless they are doing it right back to you. It’s a bit of a waiting game and a fine balancing act to both show your interest and wait to hear back from a potential employer, a game much like the dating game.

3. Looking good on paper. For online dating, someone can look great on paper, but the actual date/person you meet could be a nightmare. Even for non-online dating, someone could sound great to your friends (”she’s a hot model librarian” or “he’s an Ivy league lawyer”) - have all the things you’re looking for or want…and still have the same negative outcome. Looking “good on paper” is basically the same as having a kick ass resume. Either you live up to it or you don’t. But either way, you definitely want to make sure that even if it has the best bullshit possible on there, you can still deliver the goods.

4. Dress to impress. Dressing for a first date is a bit like dressing for a job interview. You don’t want to look too casual, or too slutty. You want to be dressed for the occasion - as in don’t wear sweats if you’re going to a nice restaurant (or, don’t wear sweats at all), and don’t wear pearls if you’re going to a baseball game. With a company, it’s often hard to really know the culture of the place you are interviewing at, so you go with the standby suit option. Tugging at a tie or pulling at a jacket the entire time is really not comfortable, but it’s expected - and then as you start working there, eventually you’re wearing jeans on Friday and not caring if you actually blow dried your hair or not. Kind of like how that girl will wear her highest heels and full makeup with her hair done for the first few dates, then slowly let it all fade as things progress. It all goes back to the first idea of being comfortable. Everyone likes to show off once in awhile, do the peacock strut of dating and impressing the opposite sex. So, when it comes to a job interview or initial date, it’s important to dress for success.

5. First impressions count. Along with the initial dress, first impressions count for a lot while job hunting/interviewing and dating. With a job, you look at things like firm handshakes and eye contact. With dating, it’s more about if the other person can carry on a conversation, if they are funny or down to earth, and whether or not she (or he) offers to split the bill (or, pay the bill). You want to make sure that the person is left feeling good, that they think, wow - he or she is great! If you’re left with a sour taste in your mouth, or a nagging feeling in your gut…chances are the person won’t make it to a second date, or a final interview.

The similarities could go on. But, what is this to say about our dating and professional lives? It’s been said before that a first date is like an interview…but who knew how far that assumption really went?

Well, everyone who reads this blog knows that I’m single. And that I have my ups and downs on whether or not I really want to dive into a relationship…I guess it’s just a matter of finding the right person.

But even through the many bad dates and relationships I’ve had - I was thinking there are some things I miss about being in a relationship. Even through the fights and fuss, and more than the steady movie/event date and obligatory gift giving. More than just the stability and comfort of the routine you fall into when you’re in a relationship. It’s the intimacy I miss, and the little things you don’t often think about as they happen…but remember when they’re gone.

Sometimes I think maybe I’ve become bitter from being single for so long…but then I still remember the good things, and it reminds me that I want it again someday…

• I miss the hellos and goodbyes. The smile and rush of happiness you feel when you see him after being away for a long time, and the comfort and reassurance of the last hug before he goes away.
• I miss getting all dressed up to go out with him. And feeling like a princess when he looks at me and tells me how beautiful I am.
  
• I miss the feel of his hand on the small of my back, safely guiding and guarding me through a crowd.
• I miss how perfectly you can fit into the crook of his neck, your head falling into place on his shoulder.
• I miss that he knows when I’m done eating, because I start picking at and playing with my food.
• I miss the little happy buzz of seeing his name in my phone when he calls.
  
• I miss him knowing just the right buttons to push to aggravate me, but not make me mad.
• I miss knowing that yep,at the end of the night I’m going home with him - and that’s all I want to do.
• I miss the feeling of him brushing the hair gently from my eyes.
• I miss waking up in the morning and him pulling me closer.
• I miss making love…and meaning it.
  
• I miss picking out goofy little cards and gifts to give him for no reason.
• I miss cooking dinner and baking cookies for him - cause he thinks it’s so amazing.
• I miss holding hands and other little PDAs.
  

Yes, it’s true. I may be a smartass and a sassy, scandalous single gal, but deep down I’m just a hopeless romantic.

No, I’m not talking about winning the lottery. Or even about placing your bets in Vegas. I’m talking about THE number. The one that both everyone talks about, and nobody mentions.

Of course, I’m talking about the number of people you have slept with. On my vacation, one of the books I read was 20 Times a Lady by Karyn Bosnak, who also wrote one of my favorite books Save Karyn*. The premise is a young 30-something gal who has an unfortunate epiphany that she has now slept with 20 men (twice the “national average”) and is nowhere near finding Mr. Right. She goes on a haphazard trip across the country to track down each and every man she’s slept with, to make certain that there was no spark still flying and no husband to hunt down.

In addition to being funny and light (and carrying a few typos!), the book of course got me thinking about my own past experiences. I actually keep a pretty extensive list. It includes everyone I’ve ever kissed, had sex with, or any combination in between. I make little notes about each one, and even rate them sometimes (God, I hope none of them ever find this post). I am nothing if not thorough. Haha.

There are of course people in your gallery of hook ups that you would like to forget, but even so, I never regret anything that I do in the boudoir. Chalk it all up to experience I guess. As much as I would like to, I can’t discount the one night stand I had on spring break (OK, two of them), because it taught me that hey - sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I can’t discount the “steady” hook up I’ve been sleeping with off and on for three years, no matter how bad for me he is. I can’t discount the really bad hook ups, or even the really good ones. It’s all a part of the choices I’ve made in life, and the decisions I have to live with - the whole idea of keeping a tally of your number is really a good look into your psyche and how you handle a lot of situations in life. Life is all about choices and consequences, I think - and what better example than the bedroom notch?

According to the movie American Pie (and maybe Mean Girls), most people never really disclose their number. Guys may multiple by 3, girls may divide by 3. Of course that’s all due to society’s double standard of “sluts and studs”** and what makes someone a real “lady” or “gentleman” vs. a typical frat boy or sorostitute. I’m not sure if that double standard will ever disappear, no matter how empowered and sexually confident women become. Of course there is a fine line between 10 people and 100 people…but should there be? What if that’s just how you are, and who you are? I don’t know…it’s a personal preference I guess.

As for me, I’m pretty honest about my number on a need to know basis. I’m not ashamed. Once upon a time I thought it was too low, and once I thought it was too high; and then suddenly I just became comfortable with it, with myself and sexuality and decisions…and just let it go. In the scheme of things, if you strip it of its supposed power and societal connotations - it really is just a number.

* Obviously quite inspirational
** Lord, I’m worried what my sitemeter searches will show