The other day I was having a conversation with a friend (female) about another friend and his girlfriend. His girlfriend is a nice girl and I like her, she’s cooler than he is sometimes. But there’s nothing special about her. She’s not a girl that you meet and think wow she’s awesome, or that she’s particulary hot (she’s average-pretty) or even that she’s a really good match for him. So, we were speculating that there were just a few reasons that he was with her.

1. She’s latina and Republican (so is he)
2. She’s very sweet, polite, and tells him what he wants to hear
3. She’s got a good body - huge boobs and a nice ass (well, I guess every guy wants that haha)
4. She hangs on his arm, sort of like a pleasant decoration

Is that really all it takes? Is it that simple? I know lots of other guys that when it comes down to it, really only want a girl say - with dark hair, green eyes, and creamy skin…or a girl who doesn’t care that he loves to play video games or has an obsession with the Eagles. Another friend I know said he just wanted a girl into (or willing to put up with/go along with) his hobbies of cars and computers, and who was smarter than him. Maybe it all boils down to, quite simply just a girl who doesn’t give you grief and drive you crazy.

But, I know so many other guys (and girls) who have a seemingly endless laundry list of criteria for a mate. Some of the factors weigh in more than others, and some can get thrown out the window in place of something else. For some people, race and/or religion is a huge factor (as in dating someone the same as you), for others it’s an ideology (someone who is passionate about the same things you are - politics, the environment, working out, saving the world, or business). The only problem with having a list of wants, is that sometimes what you want isn’t really what you need. It can narrow your view and your acceptance of someone standing right in front of you - who may be perfect except maybe she has brown hair and you prefer blondes, or maybe he looks a bit too “earthy” but he is super smart and amazing in bed. Since they’re not necessarily on your radar, you miss out. Maybe that’s not a bad thing though, maybe all of our qualities and criterias for mates are a way of weeding through the masses.

In the end, perhaps there is no magic formula for love. When you know, you know. It doesn’t matter if he’s as tall as you want, or if she’s got pretty feet. To quote good ol’ LC from The Hills: “You know when you really love somebody. Love is not a maybe thing.”

We’ve all seen a shift in the past 10 (or more) years with what being single means and how relationships are handled. You could say it started with Sex & the City, but I think it started way before that show got big. It’s created books like The Hookup Handbook and also UnHooked.

Beyond books and blogs, it’s become an even bigger cultural shift. Hot on the radio now is Nelly Furtado’s Promiscuous, with lyrics like “promiscuous boy, you already know that I’m all yours, what are you waiting for?” and even the Pussycat Dolls with Buttons, I mean, it should be a natural route for a 15 year old to be singing “I’m telling you to loosen up my buttons baby” to turn into a 21 year old that doesn’t have a clue about how to handle a hook up vs. a relationship. Granted, it’s not that today’s lyrics are any more sexual than yesterday’s “I wanna sex you up” and “let’s talk about sex,” but I think the message has changed.

Now, I’m fine with just hooking up with someone, which I think is a healthy attitude and can definitely be beneficial to a person’s growth and experiences - but I’m not saying it doesn’t come with a price. You may have fun for awhile, but when do you draw the line? It’s funny because I never thought I would be the kind of girl to ever have a one night stand, or to ever have a hook up buddy or friend with benefits. But, it’s slowly creeping up on me that now I’ve had more of those encounters than real relationships. And, while I don’t mind that things have turned out that way, I have to wonder if it’s just me, or everyone else as well that is experiencing this.

With hooking up - eventually someone might get attached. It’s most often thought of as the girl, but I’ve seen it happen to the guy too. I count some of my long term hook ups as relationships of a sort. Although I’ve never “really” dated the guys, I’m friendly with them - some I really am/was friends with, some I pretended to be friends with, and some we didn’t even pretend that we were more than just fuck buddies. It all really depends on the person and the situation. I think when it becomes a long term hook up over a period of time (even if it’s not necessarily consistent, say once a week, or twice a month, or whatever it may be) then in a way it becomes a relationship that has to be maintained. You talk about your lives, you may go out with the person once in awhile, but it never crosses over into a real relationship because one or both partners may not really want that. So, it toes the line above platonic friend (or even “friend” at all) and quite below possible love interest or boyfriend/girlfriend material, into the much debated gray area of the hook up.

Maybe it’s just the way relationships are going to be from now on. Sure, some hook ups may turn into something real, and some relationships may not have even began as a hook up. Obviously many relationships begin and end up “normal” and many that started out as a casual thing become more. It’s not a pure black and white scenario, and never will be I don’t think. Through it all though, technology has admittedly created a faster, less formal and more casual way of communicating on all levels, including dating. How is it that some people can have 200+ friends on sites like MySpace and Facebook, but in reality the idea of “close” friends is apparently shrinking (although I have to say mine seems to have grown)?

I feel like dating and even love now involves less risk, less commitment (of time and emotion) and less communication. Maybe all this hooking up is just an elaborate effort of the “me” generation to get what they want (instant gratification through sex etc…) and not get hurt in the process.

It may work, but I’m not sure it makes it alright.

“You know I like the way you are, but if we don’t cut deep we never will scar…when I desert you, I know it won’t hurt you, cause it was just a casual thing…” ~ Eli Goldsmith

Well, Sex & the City got a somewhat bad reputation for making idols out of women who actually can’t hold a serious, functional relationship. They talk and bitch and analyze the men and relationships in their lives, and sure it may be as simple as dating a lot of bad apples, but maybe part of it was their own problems with themselves and how they approached relationships. I mean, it takes two to make one work, and two to have one fail.

In retrospect, Grey’s Anatomy seems has done the same thing. Now, I love the show. But, why?

The women on Grey’s are all generally strong characters. They are smart, witty, gorgeous, and have it all together…except in matters of the heart.

Here is Meredith, she falls for this guy, finds out he’s married, and is still in love with him. He chooses to go back to his wife (fine), then he gets jealous and calls her a whore. He keeps lusting after her and stringing her along. And she lets him. She even sleeps with him again.She says this, “

Maybe we like the pain. Maybe we’re wired that way. Because without it, I don’t know; maybe we just wouldn’t feel real. What’s that saying? Why do I keep hitting myself with a hammer? Because it feels so good when I stop.”What does that say?!?

(The video clip I wanted was taken down due to copyright permissions)

Then there is Addison, she stands by her man in a masochistic way, even though he is obviously in love with Meredith. She even says “the only people who don’t know that Derek loves Meredith are Derek and Meredith.” I mean, why stay with him, why do that? Keep the hope, wait for him to come around? You cheated on him. He left. End of story. Why wait for him to forgive you?

She says, “I want you to care. I sleep with your best friend, and you walk away. He comes out here from New York and rubs it in your face, and still you get a good night’s sleep. What do I have to do? Oh, I know. Maybe what I should do is go out on a date with the vet because that seems to be something that sends you into a blind rage. Oh but wait, that won’t work either because I’m not Meredith Grey!”

I mean, I understand her pain, but seriously.

Now, I know these are all fictional TV characters, but is the popularity of the show (especially with women) due to women relating to these characters? And is that a bad thing? Is the show popular because women look at these characters and idealize the relationships and lives they have, make them their own…and is that a good thing?

Sex and the City taught us that it was OK to be single and 30+ and fabulous. And I agree with that. Why should you feel like less of a person, less of a woman, if you’re single and not married by the ticking time bomb of 30+? But, the fact that women had to be told that it was OK, that’s where it bothers me. You know what I mean?

And Grey’s, in the back of my mind, validates that women are weak. The women let the men run the show. Meredith slept with George then couldn’t do anything about it when he stopped talking to her for weeks. Alex didn’t kiss Izzy on their first date, so she just got mad about it until he did. Christina is so detached and cold sometimes that she pushes Burke away.

I’m not sure if it’s a reflection of our society, in a subconsious way…or if it’s just a few examples of dysfuntional relationships that gets everybody interested. It’s like watching a train wreck. Even other popular shows feature weak women characters…Friends, Will & Grace, even older shows like Dawson’s Creek. The only “strong woman” show I can think of is Alias. Even that show Commander in Chief got cancelled.

So here we are, all mindlessy watching these entertaining and good shows…but are we really seeing what’s there?

Relationships are a subject for many blogs. Why can’t I find a good man or woman? Where do I go to meet quality people? Does he or she like me? What do I do now?

It seems that now, more than ever, there are swarms of young professionals in their 20’s and 30’s who are still searching for that one true love. Everyone (even some men*) wants the fairy tale romance. Both men and women have “laundry lists” of qualities they want** in a partner, and this is hurting the odds of finding a good mate.I think that books are partly to blame for all of this confusion and setting of standards.

Starting with The Rules and even Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus and graduating into He’s Just Not That Into You (and its counter, Be Honest: You’re Not That Into Him Either) and in a way the new book, Unhooked.

There is even a book that supports our indeciciveness and failure to secure meaningful relationships called The HookUp Handbook, designed to explain these casual relationships, and make them acceptable.

Everyone has so much “self-help” thrown at them, that they can’t help themselves.

No relationship is ever perfect. Spending your time reading about how to argue the “right way” and how to be fair…won’t get you anywhere. If you believe that relationships (and people in general) should behave or result in a certain way, then it won’t work.
Decades ago, nobody was reading such things. People got themselves in and out of relationships through old fashioned trial and error. It’s true, that the whole idea of “courtship” has more or less died, and turned into a mystery of casual dating and sex, while still searching for Mr. Right. There is so much pressure now to be or act a certain way, to be an independent (but not too independent) woman, and to be a sensitive and in some ways a metrosexual man. Maybe the mess of dating today, is also related to the still changing ideas and confusion of gender roles, and what men and women desire in a mate.Sticking to plans or rules (such as the infamous 3-day rule, or the I’ll be married by the time I’m 30, or 31, or 32 plan) will just lead to mixed signals and miscommunication. Some people may cut someone off because he or she didn’t follow these unspoken rules. He didn’t call right away, he called too soon. She didn’t seem interested, she didn’t kiss me goodnight. He or she is in their 30’s, so therefore must be ready to get married and have babies. People rule out possible relationships because of another person not following these social rules.

Granted, aside from books, technology has played a significant role, providing less personal communication and less face to face interaction. How many times have you heard someone say “I text message when I don’t want to actually talk to the person”? Even I am guilty of that. Technology even plays a role when we fight, how many long, dramatic emails have been written between two in a lover’s quarrel (again, even I am guilty of that)…where sometimes you say things you shouldn’t have said, in anger or defensiveness. Of course, these things may still have been said face to face, but then there will not be the written back up of whatever nasty thing you may have said.

It seems most of the successful and quality relationships I know of, threw caution to the wind and never even took a second glance at the types of books I mentioned above, nor played by “the rules” of modern courtship. They just let it flow, let it happen, and dealt with what situations came up as needed.

So what is the solution? Is there an easy answer? Maybe all of these dating and relationship rules and ideas of the way things “should” be are too ingrained in our society now. Maybe the best we can hope for is someone who plays by YOUR personal rules, and who understands that men will be men, and women will be women.***No relationship is ever going to be perfect. And nothing will ever be by the book. After all, we are only human.

*I do agree with the basic core qualities that some men look for in a woman…someone who is easy on the eyes, good in bed, supportive, doesn’t bitch, and let’s him be himself. Maybe it’s a sterotype, but maybe it’s also partly true.**I see nothing wrong with being picky, to a point. And, I am at fault here with having an internal “list” of things I want in a man. Lists of qualities you want in a man or woman can force you to miss out on someone who may have been a perfect fit. Sometimes the things you need, aren’t always what you thought you wanted.

***Sarcasm here.

I know that BettyJoan already covered this, but I wanted to say something too.

This article in the NYT hit home for me.I mentioned before in my 100 things about me post, that I used to consider myself a feminist, but now I’m not so sure.

It’s true.

When I was in about middle school, I read Reviving Ophelia. I researched Betty Friedan. I scorned models in Playboy. I watched Three’s Company and cringed at the sexist nature of the show. I told myself that I would never ever be one of those women who relied on men. My mother taught me that women could do anything, and that I didn’t need a man to be complete. She also told me to be strong, and not to chase the boys. (The only advice I took from that was not to chase the boys.) I was angry. I was angry that women were looked down upon, that it was only a few decades before that we had the right to vote, the right to work, the right to do almost anything. I was angry that on average, women earned 75 cents to the dollar that men earned. I was angry that glass ceilings existed. And now? I am still angry. I’m angry that I don’t know what I want to do with my life. That I have all of these options and not a clue as to what I can do with them. That I don’t really know how lucky I am to have the choice. I’m angry that I care I don’t look like Jessica Simpson or Eva Longoria. I’m angry that I want to be seen as the sex symbol. That I want to be seen as the doting wife and mother. And yet, I want to be seen as equal. I’m angry that I’m in my early 20’s and I’m scared that I’ll never get married. I know tons of beautiful, successful young women in their 30’s who are amazing…so I know I’ll be OK seeing them as a role model…but I still worry.The dating industry is booming. Everywhere you look it’s how to get a man, how to keep a man, how to attract a man, and how to get over a man when he dumps you. Well, no wonder he dumps you…all you worry about is what to do to catch him or keep him! Match.com and other internet dating services are gaining speed, and Cosmo continues to be the highest selling women’s magazine. Has everything really gone full circle? Are the articles aimed at young women today similar to those aimed at the young women in the 1950’s - only more cleverly crafted and worded? I too have pondered what is stated at the end of the NYT article (see quote below), and wonder is it true that women are destined to a cycle of rebellion and regression? That thirty years from now the same generation of girls who were striving to attain the “ideal life” and the “perfect man” are now regretting it…

Having boomeranged once, will women do it again in a couple of decades? If we flash forward to 2030, will we see all those young women who thought trying to Have It All was a pointless slog, now middle-aged and stranded in suburbia, popping Ativan, struggling with rebellious teenagers, deserted by husbands for younger babes, unable to get back into a work force they never tried to be part of?

The women I know are stuck. Stuck between wanting a life on Wisteria Lane, and stuck between wanting to be the next CEO. Even on Desperate Housewives, the character of Lynette is constantly struggling as the mom who goes back to work. It’s a delicate balance of power, and a game that we have to play whether we want to or not. There are some women who don’t have the luxury of choosing to stay home or to work - and those women are chastised for not being home enough with their children, because they are putting food on the table - working three jobs! There are some women who get married, have children, and stop working - who are chastised for being “lazy” or for not being ambitious enough. For not having goals. Then there are the women who are “married” to their jobs - who are chastised for wanting too much, for reaching above and beyond, and more likely than not - ending up alone because of it. How can we find a happy medium for all of these women? Is it even possible?Me, I know I would get bored out of my mind staying at home and raising a family. As much as I love children, and as much as I want to do it - I know that’s not enough for me. I need adult conversation, I need somewhere to be, and something to do. I know taking care of a child is a 24 hour a day, 7 day a week job, with not a lot of thanks and never a moment off. I’m certainly not discounting the hard work and heart it takes to raise childen. I just know that for me, I’m going to want it all. And I deserve it all. I just don’t know how to make it work.

If you think about it, it’s a pretty fucked up society we live in where a girl such as myself…who is educated, intelligent, and a good person can be made to feel like she’s missing something without a man. Do you think men ever feel that way? Well gee, I’m smart, successful, tall and handsome, but I just don’t think I’m a real man without a wife. So he gets one. A trophy wife. (Joke here guys!)

I can’t say that I don’t crave the happy ending…the white picket fence and the 2.5 kids with a dog. I just wonder at what point did my desires change from wanting to be an “obstetrician by day and a rock star by night,” to the seemingly suffocating life of a “desperate” housewife.