No, I’m not talking about winning the lottery. Or even about placing your bets in Vegas. I’m talking about THE number. The one that both everyone talks about, and nobody mentions.

Of course, I’m talking about the number of people you have slept with. On my vacation, one of the books I read was 20 Times a Lady by Karyn Bosnak, who also wrote one of my favorite books Save Karyn*. The premise is a young 30-something gal who has an unfortunate epiphany that she has now slept with 20 men (twice the “national average”) and is nowhere near finding Mr. Right. She goes on a haphazard trip across the country to track down each and every man she’s slept with, to make certain that there was no spark still flying and no husband to hunt down.

In addition to being funny and light (and carrying a few typos!), the book of course got me thinking about my own past experiences. I actually keep a pretty extensive list. It includes everyone I’ve ever kissed, had sex with, or any combination in between. I make little notes about each one, and even rate them sometimes (God, I hope none of them ever find this post). I am nothing if not thorough. Haha.

There are of course people in your gallery of hook ups that you would like to forget, but even so, I never regret anything that I do in the boudoir. Chalk it all up to experience I guess. As much as I would like to, I can’t discount the one night stand I had on spring break (OK, two of them), because it taught me that hey - sometimes a girl’s gotta do what a girl’s gotta do. I can’t discount the “steady” hook up I’ve been sleeping with off and on for three years, no matter how bad for me he is. I can’t discount the really bad hook ups, or even the really good ones. It’s all a part of the choices I’ve made in life, and the decisions I have to live with - the whole idea of keeping a tally of your number is really a good look into your psyche and how you handle a lot of situations in life. Life is all about choices and consequences, I think - and what better example than the bedroom notch?

According to the movie American Pie (and maybe Mean Girls), most people never really disclose their number. Guys may multiple by 3, girls may divide by 3. Of course that’s all due to society’s double standard of “sluts and studs”** and what makes someone a real “lady” or “gentleman” vs. a typical frat boy or sorostitute. I’m not sure if that double standard will ever disappear, no matter how empowered and sexually confident women become. Of course there is a fine line between 10 people and 100 people…but should there be? What if that’s just how you are, and who you are? I don’t know…it’s a personal preference I guess.

As for me, I’m pretty honest about my number on a need to know basis. I’m not ashamed. Once upon a time I thought it was too low, and once I thought it was too high; and then suddenly I just became comfortable with it, with myself and sexuality and decisions…and just let it go. In the scheme of things, if you strip it of its supposed power and societal connotations - it really is just a number.

* Obviously quite inspirational
** Lord, I’m worried what my sitemeter searches will show

I have a question for all you guys (and girls) out there. What makes someone a “freak” - I mean really? Not freak as in weird, I mean freak as in sexual - in the “good” way.

I guess I’ve always thought of myself kind of as a “lady in the streets but a freak in the bed.” I’m a very open person when it comes to sex, and not shy about saying that I like it and when I want and need it in my life. I’m enthusiastic about it and pretty open minded, or so I thought. There are a lot of things I have thought about doing, that I’ve done…or would consider doing.

But, I was recently with someone (an old hook up) who really wanted me to do some things in the bedroom that I wasn’t so sure about. Nothing too bad or weird in the scheme of things (no R. Kelly shit goin on hah), and I did what he wanted to just to try, but I definitely wasn’t really “into” it. Maybe it was because it was something that had never really interested me before, but in the end I think he was a little disappointed in my hesitations. But, I didn’t really expect that he would um, cash in on all the shit I had been talking earlier about what I would do. Ooops. It’s not that I talk shit and don’t deliver the goods, rather I guess I just don’t deviate from what I know is good and what I know works for me and for my partner.

I guess my ego is just a little bruised in that I always thought I was pretty open about anything sex related, but maybe I’m more conventional (and therefore boring) when it comes to sex than I thought.

So, what constitutes being a freak, just being kinky? Doing “weird” things in bed or things that are considered somewhat “taboo”? Or can a freak be someone who is just into sex and not afraid to get it when they want it? Maybe it’s a combination…?

We’ve all had it. The bad hook up. Sometimes it’s so bad you can’t bring yourself to do it again, sometimes you think eh, why not. I’ll try to keep it PG-13 for you, but here are some tips and also a few of my most memorable (or, forgettable) moments:

1. The Move. If you have a “signature” move, chances are it won’t work on every girl. Case in point, I had this one guy try to make out with my ear. I still shudder when I think about him. It wasn’t just a tiny nibble or a bite, he really tried to shove his tongue IN my ear. Gross.
2. The Question. Please, don’t do it. Ever. Don’t ever ask a girl anything resembling the following: “did you come?” or “how was it?” I had someone ask me once, “how many times did you orgasm?” Um…none, thank you. It’s an awkward question, and it’s hard to get out of. You don’t want to lie and be a faker, but you don’t want to tell him no. Guys, you have to realize that orgasm is not the be all end all for women. In fact, we can have a really good time without one (assuming you do everything else right heh). I understand that you want to please her, and I understand that you’re trying to be considerate. But, more often than not it makes her uncomfortable. Granted, this changes the longer you are with a person and the more you get to know them and what they like.
3. The Question Part 2. Another no-no for both guys and girls is “how many people have you slept with?” Nobody wants to know. If it’s too few, if it’s too many…it’s your business. If I want to share with you, I will. If you want to share with me, you can. It also kind of follows the “rule of 3″ as said on American Pie 2. Guys take the number and divide by 1. Girls, take the number and multiply by 3. It’s a double standard society, and while men are studs, women are sluts. To a point of course. I do know of some man whores.
4. The Bragger. I had this guy tell me once (more than once) how well endowed he was. He even regaled me with a story about how in high school guys in the locker room would comment on it, since he was on the shorter side height wise. This was both before and after I had experienced it for myself. He wasn’t all that, no Pee-Wee, but no Dirk Diggler either. Seriously, do you need to advertise your manhood? Poor form gentlemen, poor form.
5. The Bad Kisser. They say that dancing ability is a way to see if someone will be good in bed. I think that kissing is also a good precursor. If it’s sloppy and forced, chances are the sex will be too. Kissing should be fun, not a chore. On that note, as DCLastCall so mentioned, it seems that foreplay is perhaps a lost art. These kids nowadays man, giving blow jobs in the bathroom at school. Come on, what ever happened to a good old make out session? Anticipation is half the fun!
6. The Olympic Marathon Man. This kind of goes with the above statement, but while you want to make sure you spend enough time enjoying your partner before the main event, you don’t want to prolong it too much. Also annoying, changing positions too many times in one session. If something is working, stick with it. Don’t try to be too innovative. At the same time, you don’t want to be boring. Just find what works to make you both happy.

What are your horror stories and/or suggestions?